Weekend Update

The weekend kicked off with lunch on Friday with Q and CyberD. We used to go to a hamburger place that we all liked, but Q refuses to go there anymore since they changed their uniforms away from Bikini Tues/Thurs and School Girl Wed. Our new place is similar to the old place, but the uniforms aren't quite as good and it's a little more expensive. I forgot the rule of going to eat with the guys which is to be the first in line to be seated. That meant that I was sitting across from the other two in the booth. I with a view of the window. Them with a view of all the passing waitresses. We had a cute waitress and quickly established a good repartee with her, at least until she brought us our drinks. As she approached the table CyberD shouted at her for seemingly no reason, "I'm really not a prick!!!". Q, the waitress, and I were stunned. There was a moment of awkwardness and then she said, "Okay". Later she caught Q staring when she was stretching out her back and busted him on it. We had some other weird conversation with her about Q working a corner in some stilettos and how our waitress spends 30 hours a week partying.

Saturday brought my weekly coaching gig. The girls' soccer team played a game that was the opposite of the game they played the week prior. This time we had a terrible first half and a spectacular second half. We were losing 6-1 at half time and I let the girls get their drinks and their snacks then I pulled them away from their parents and gave them a talking to. This made my wife very nervous as she could tell that I was more than a little agitated by the lack of effort I had seen. Anyway, I told the girls not to repeat what I told them otherwise their mothers would be eaten by rats at night. It really had an impact. The girls came back strong and won the game 8-7. My daughter got four goals and has been in "the zone" the last three games or so. One game left this weekend with a chance to finish with a winning record. We're 5-4 at the moment.

I had hoped to have a special guest by the house Saturday evening, but plans were changed a couple of times and eventually I was stood up. No big deal. Sure we'd cleaned up the house all night, shampooed the carpets, washed the children, grilled salmon, potatos, zucchini with a spicy chipotle/tomato sauce, and made homemade chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Like I said, no big deal. I wasn't upset but in a slight moment of disappointment and frustration I grabbed all the food, threw it on the newly cleaned floor, then jumped up and down on it. Then I went out into the street and yelled at all of my neighbors for thinking they are so superior.

I finished the weekend on a high as Q and I did fairly well at the track on Sunday. We won early and then again on the last race. In between winning we ate, watched the draft and laughed a lot. We both left with a little extra money in our pockets. When we returned to my house I gave a hasty excuse that it was best if he didn't come in because we hadn't cleaned up and that my neighbors were assholes.

For Public Consumption

Here is my interview with Edgy Mama http://www.edgymama.com/ . Thanks to Scooter for setting up random interviews on her blog http://sarcasticfringe.com/. Also head over to Celebrate Woo-Woo http://celebratewoowoo.com/ to check out my interview of her.

1. What’s your sign and does it fit your personality or do you think astrology is a crock?
I'm a Pisces, and I think it's' description is dead on. According to Astrology-Online the traits of a Pisces are as follows:

Imaginative and sensitive

Compassionate and kind

Selfless and unworldly

Intuitive and sympathetic

I also tend to avoid Geminis. They are too much trouble.

2. When’s the last time you ate each of the following and what was the situation: 1. liver 2. haggis 3. insect larvae 4. a Poptart?
1. The last time my mother cooked it. I was probably 8 years old.

2. I've never had it and feelt hat it is unlikely that I ever will.

3. This will never happen. I expect I would hang myself first.

4. Probably a month ago. My wife tends to buy them for the kids and I don't really care for them too much, but I can't help myself when there is only one left in the box. I just like taking the last of something.

3. What do you most regret doing to someone else and why (in three paragraphs or less, please)? I'm a Pisces (see description above). I can't think of too much that I've done to others that I regret. Maybe typical teenage blow ups that my parents could've lived without. Oh, and forgetting birthdays. I'm terrible with that.

4. Who is your favorite Super hero/heroine and why?
I'd say it's the Vision. He is an android that was built for villainous purposes, but became self aware and decided to revolt against his creator. He then joined the Avengers and spent the next several years trying to understand his own humanity and existence. I like the idea of independent thought being able to overcome programming (social, environmental, etc.). He also married a hot red head, which pushed him to the top ranking for me.

5. What is the question you’d most like to be asked that no one has ever asked you?
Would you like us to direct deposit your Lotto winnings?

Hello Gambling Season

I've been writing about gambling all week and today I'll tell you why. This weekend marks the time I make my first trip out to the horse track every year. It has become an annual occurrence for me to meet up with Q on the weekend of the NFL draft and wager on some ponies. We get seats that have televisions and for almost 8 hours sit planted. We place our bets with the...I'm not sure what their called...people that walk around with the handheld electronic devices for recording bets (legal bookies?). Waiters come by and take our food and drink orders. With multiple races and football draft info coming the whole time, it's damn near heaven.

The NFL draft also marks the beginning of Fantasy Football season as well. There will still be another bout of free agency that will affect teams line-ups, but the majority of it will be set. In another month magazines will start coming out and my studying will begin. As fantasy football is basically another form of gambling, this ultimately makes this weekend the opening ceremonies of gambling.

Make It Exotic

One of the reasons that Q and I get along so well is that we understand each other. I understand that he will always valet rather than walk from the parking lot at the horse track, and he understands that I will always be enraptured by the tic-tac-toe playing chicken that is on display in the front of Louisiana Downs.

If you beat her you win $10. I've never seen anyone beat that chicken. She takes her time and strategizes. She's good. Still people will lineup and wait for 45 minutes just for the chance to win $10. I've never played her. I would, but I hate standing in lines. There is almost nothing in the world that I will wait in line more than five minutes for.

I tried to explain, in very basic terms, wagering on horse racing to my daughter the other day (because I'm a good parent). She asked how much you get if the horse you pick wins the race. "Well it all depends," I told her. "If you bet on the horse that appears to be the best and everyone expects to win then you might bet $2 and win $3.20." "Then what's the point?" she asked. This is pretty much the same philosophy that Q and I have when placing wagers.

We almost never make a win, place, or show bet. It isn't worth placing the bet if you can't win significantly more then you wager. We wager exotics. Exactas, Trifectas, and Superfectas. That way you can turn your two dollar wager into big money. Of course, this isn't the end result most times but I would still say that Q and I are pretty good. We've both hit some decent pay days and are normally very close.

The worst was a time I was at the track with my mom and Q. My trifecta was about to hit when the second place horse broke it's leg five feet from the finish line. It fell and threw it's rider. The entire crowd groaned as the horse flailed around in obvious pain with it's useless leg until handler's could get out to it. I haven't gone back out to the track with my mom since. I'm not blaming my mom, but I'd feel terrible if her counter karma caused another poor horse to die.

This is not a picture of my mom.

Connections with the Family

I used to work for a car rental company a few years back that prided itself in picking up their customers from home, or work, or the car repair facility. While still early in my career there I was sent out to pick up a regular customer from their house. When I arrived at the large new home two men came out to the vehicle. One of them was a burly looking guy dressed in a collared shirt and slacks. The other was in a track suit that was open a little too far, sneakers, and had several gold chains around his neck. He had dark slicked back hair. It was almost comical.

The big guy sat up front with me as we headed back to the office, while the other sat in back. As I normally do in situations like this I got some conversation going.

Me - So do you have any big plans for the day?

The man in the track suit - We're going to the horse track.

Me - Oh, cool. Have you been to the new track very much? I've been wanting to go, but hadn't made it out yet.

The man in track suit - We go on a regular basis. That's what I do for a living.

Me - Oh yeah? You must do pretty well. What's the most you've ever won on a race?

The man in the track suit - A hundred thousand.

Me - Damn. You must have a good system then. I've been reading a book about handicapping and Beyer numbers. Do you have any tips for what to look for?

The man in the track suit - Not really. I just know people. Jockeys, trainers, their families.

Me - Oh.

He went on to tell me that they tell him things and that's how he places his bets. He didn't say why they tell him things or how he knew them. We went on to the office and he rented the car from the manager in the most bizarre fashion that I had seen. He got a luxury car and didn't leave a credit card as a deposit (which is required), didn't show a drivers license (which is required), and didn't sign his own paperwork (which is required). What he did do is leave a thousand dollar cash deposit which he pulled from a wad that must have been twenty grand from his front pocket. He also had the burly guy give me business card in case I ever wanted to contact him or place a wager and couldn't get to the track. They also did football games, basketball, etc. The card had a phone number on it, but the name on it was not his. It looked more like a nickname.

The manager who had made sure the paperwork was ready when I got to the office said not to worry about the rental being out of the norm. He was a repeat customer and always paid his bills. He also said that I would be insane if I kept that card and ever placed a bet with the man in the track suit.

The manager came back to me a few minutes later to make sure that I threw the card away and reiterate that it would be a very bad idea to ever call that guy.

New Harry Potter Trailer

It's up on Yahoo. It looks very different from the book, but also looks pretty darn cool. I'm all a flutter.

Karmic Tornado

There are times in a person's life when karma is with you. The foggy ether of the universe parts and certain fundamental truths become obvious and every move you make can't help but succeed. Winning becomes easy. The right path and correct decisions shine with a clarity and allure that draws you to them. I believe that these times happen for everyone within their lifetime. The truly outstanding people either a) have more of these moments then others or b) make better use of these moments than others.

There are other times where karma is against you. I don't know that it's because you did anything wrong so much as it's your turn. The great cosmic tumblers of life have turned and clicked into place and you get stuck between them. Nothing you do is going to work out and it becomes like quicksand where the harder you struggle to make the cosmic tumblers shift the harder they lock down. These are bad times to be in a casino.

One of the games that Q and I like to play in the casino is craps. The odds are the same every throw of the dice. If you know the odds or even have a round-about knowledge of the odds then it's possible to win...almost as much as you lose. Statistically.

A few years back Q and I were hitting the craps table at the Hollywood Casino. It was a weird night and this was the only table with any availability and people weren't leaving the others. That probably should have been warning enough. We had time to kill though as the Texas Hold'em tables were also full and we were on a long list. The table had about five other players when we arrived plus the three workers assigned to the table. Two of the players were non descript elderlies. They were on our left. Relatively quiet and ultimately forgettable. One of the players was a hip hop man complete with a shiny fake precious metal chain with a huge medallion on it. He was on our right. He wanted to come off as a high roller, but being at the smallest minimum limit table doesn't help your cred in that department. Me and Q liked him. He was gangsta like us. The last two players were on the far end of the table from us. They were a couple affectionately called Chipmunk and Honey Butt. I don't know what they called each other, but this is what I called them. They were extremely perky, over excited, over loud, and had cutesy names and phrases for everything!!! We hated them instantly.

People like this are a karma curse. In the deepest recesses of my heart I knew this, but it was too late the gears of fate had locked in place and we were wedged between them. We were going to see these people lose. We were going to win and laud our triumph over them. The couple oblivious to our karmic challenge continued yelling and screaming and cheering. "Come on shooter!! Come on shooter!! You're going to do it shooter!! Yaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!"

Our first few bets came and went with the normal ups and downs. Chipmunk and Honey Butt were obviously doing well and letting the entire casino know it. We pressed on. We were not going to let this continue!!! and clink another gear locked into place even tighter. "Way to go shooter!! You can do it shooter!! Four square!!! Quad Four!!! Yaayyyyyyy!!!! Good job shooter!!!". Thanks a-hole, but I was betting on the "no pass line". That just f'd me.

Every dice roll was a celebration. Every number had a pet name. Every moment was cheering and hugging and smooching. Everyone hated them. The other players. The other tables. The casino workers. Everyone. They were however in their own world and in that world everything was rainbows. It was the perfect storm. After an hour of miserably seeing the writing on the wall and still trying to come out on top. I finally was ready to give in and leave. Before we left though we got to see them hit their number for what seemed like the millionth time. And we waited for it. It was coming. The phrase we'd heard them yell every time they'd seen a ten for the last hour. Our eyes were squinting as we tried hard to some how find muscles to close our ears, but it wasn't possible. "HOME WRECKER!!!!!" they yelled with unbridled enthusiasm.

We left knowing that we had just asses handed to us by the Moby Dick of karma. Kudos to you Chipmunk and Honey Butt.

Home Wrecker!!!

One of the reasons that Q and I get along so well is that we both like to gamble. It's something that I think I got from my Grandmother who loved going to Vegas and to the horse track. She would play poker with me and my sister for pennies when we would come to visit as children. My other Grandmother would play Yahtzee with us, which is basically the same thing. Q didn't ever know my Grandmothers so I don't know where he gets his love for gambling, but I assume it comes from a need to make himself feel better about his violent addiction to porn. Or is it addiction to violent porn? Whatever.

Q and I go to the horse track together a few times a year and once a year or so will hit the casinos over in Shreveport. We've had some good times, some of which include actually winning money. Not most of them, but some of them. One of the first times we went was on a weekend when there was a BIG college football game in town. CyberD, Q, and I were leaving a casino late one evening andwere in a line of cars waiting to get out of the parking garage. College kids and alums were everywhere drinking and partying all along the river front. We were all talking when the passenger door of a car about three spots ahead of us opened and a girl almost fell out and started puking in an impressive fahion. A college girl that is so inebriated that she is vomiting is one of CyberD's favorite sights so he yelled out, "It's Miller time!!!". While the girl was still half hanging out the car, the guy that was driving gave us the thumbs up and a victorious smile.

There was also the time that Q and I had decided to go back to the casino after we had taken the rest of the group back to the house. We stayed gambling later than we had realized and finally noticed that it wasn't night any more. The sun was coming up and, as we had a big day planned, decided it was time to go back and get a little rest. It turns out that a dewy wet dawn, unfamiliar roads, and lack of sleep weren't optimal conditions for us to be driving CyberD's company car. We were doing fine until we noticed that we were going the wrong way and had to exit the highway. On the exit ramp we woke up rather quickly as the car slid at highway speed straight towards the econoline van stopped straight ahead of us. I turnde the wheel hard to the right. I mashed on the break. And still we slid towards the stop sign and the van without any noticeable deceleration. It's amazing how fast your brain can think when you're suddenly terrified. I was curious what my wife was going to do without me. I was wondering how CyberD was going to explain this to his boss. I was amazed that Q could scream at such a high pitch. Miraculously the car came to a sudden stop about half an inch from the van and we didn't have to mention the event to CyberD for another six years or so.

There's a lot more to say, but this post has just about reached my threshold. I didn't even get around to why I called it Home Wrecker. Oh well, I might just write about gambling experiences this entire week and explain why a little later.

The Ladies are Making Me Buggy

Quick soccer update for our millions of fans around the world. We won our game last Saturday and my 1st grade girls now have a winning record for the first time ever. We are 4-3 with three games left in the season. Something has clicked for them this last game or so. They are finally passing the ball, spreading the field better, and getting after the girls on the other team. It's great to watch the girls out there. They are now going into games with the expectation that they are going to win which is a far cry from where they were at this point last season. That's the main thing that I wanted for these girls. Besides becoming good soccer players I wanted them to learn to compete, feel like winners, and have fun.

That being said I am bracing myself for the collapse or at least big stumble. I don't want it to happen, but I'm trying not to let my expectations get away from me. Practice yesterday was a good example of what I'm worried about. Some of them were distracted the whole time looking for lady bugs. Others were talking noise and then getting upset when things weren't going their way. All of them had a large degree of whineyness to them. They were all bitching at each other at different points yesterday and I was trying not to lose my cool. At the end of practice I pulled them together and gave them a talking to about team work and how we need to support each other. I told them that we are friends on the team and do not complain or place blame. Then I took all of their collected ladybugs crushed them under my foot and told them that if we lost on Saturday it would be because of they were jacking around at practice.

Nicknames

I've never really had a nickname. I don't know why. Nothing ever stuck I guess. I have on the other hand doled out my share of nicknames to other people. My friends Q and DLDC can attest to that. Not to mention Big Dirty, Cake, Miracle Whip, Lil' Magnum, and my daughter T-Bibby although more recently it's been changed to just Bibby. I've also got several names for people that walk around my office. I don't use them publicly but they scroll through my head every time I see them. There's Forehead, Boob Job, Buttons, Greasy, Teeth, Sashay, Bug Eyes, and E.D. (Eating Disorder not to be confused with Erectile Dysfunction whom I just call Dysfunction).

As my buddy Dutch can attest to, you can't just give yourself a nickname. It won't stick. Which is why even though I answered my phone for a solid year as Big Texas, almost no one would call me that. When Q tried to steal the name I was willing to change to Tejas Grande in tribute to my Spanish heritage, but that didn't work out any better.

So I guess I'll always be called Dagromm. My dreams of one day having a cool handle, y'know like "the Fonze", are faded.

A Few Things That I Love

Promise Land Chocolate Milk

For chocolate milk lovers (and truthfully who isn't) this is the stuff to get. It's much better than any of the other flavored dairy products being sold out there. In fact we also buy the Promise Land Fat Free Milk when we're feeling healthy as it has a much better consistency than it's competitors. If your store sells this stuff and you're not buying it, then you're really just cheating yourself.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

Now I know there are some people that disapprove of Macaroni and Cheese out of a box. They say that homemade macaroni is much better. Those people are devil worshippers and I pray you don't let your soul be taken by them and their demon food. I come from the Christian religion where we believe that God gave us processed cheese powder because he loves us and to keep us righteous. If you really want to feel blessed then I suggest the Thick N' Creamy version, because it comes with considerably more of the Lord's cheese powder.

Magnum XL Condoms

These are the only condoms that I've found to be comfortable. I imagine this recommendation isn't a shock to most guys out there who have probably come to the same conclusion. Additionally, they also come in the discrete XL packaging so as not to draw attention to the fact that I must be packin' a lot down there.

Just a little positive to counterbalance yesterdays negativity. Thanks once again for listening.

A Few Things That Bug Me

Personalized License Plates - There is nothing in the world that screams out to me, "I'm an ass" more than a personalized plate. This is a trend however that appears on the rise. In the last 48 hours I've seen a black F-250 with a lift kit, illegally dark tinted windows, and a license plate that says ABYSS; a green Ford Mustang with a plate that says VROOOM; a black and silver Jaguar with plate that says JUSTICE surrounded by a silver hellfire shaped frame. This is not to mention the Firebird that asks WNARACE, the Corvette with the plate reading CHACHNG, and the Nissan with the plate letting you know that this is MY Z.


Drive Thru Non-Service - Another trend that is getting worse is the drive thru attendant that after he takes your money asks you to pull up by the door and wait for your food. WTF? Some times there are two or three cars pulled in front waiting for someone to bring them out their bags of food. This has gotten so bad that I've been asked to pull up even when there isn't anybody else in line at all. It doesn't make my wait any shorter. If anything it lengthens my wait time. Also when my order turns out to be wrong it means that I have to get out of my car and walk back inside rather than getting it fixed at the window. I'd try to make a stand about this, but I don't want anything to happen to my food.


People That Don't Understand the Four Way Stop Sign - I don't think that the rules of "right of way" have changed in the two thousand plus years that stop signs have been around, but people still seem to have a problem with this on a regular basis. There are still plenty of people that appear to have a problem flushing the toilet as well so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.


Just some scattershooting and a quick Tuesday rant. Thanks for listening.

Work, Work, Work

One of the sources of amusement for me in my occupation is the responsibility I have over conducting interviews and the hiring process. I review resumes, screen people over the phone as well as in person. I'm semi-regularly tickled by what people feel is good to put on their resumes. For example the lady that espoused her in depth knowledge of the products that they sold at the store that she managed. The store happened to be an adult novelty store. The line of questioning running through my head at that point led me to have better judgement than to call, because even if I could walk the straight and narrow I know that it would have blown up during departmental interviews.

I recently have had two separate resumes from ladies claiming to have worked as models. One of which made mention that she was going to be featured in a soon to be released video and movie. Well that would peak anybodies curiosity. So I checked the .com website she had listed as her employer and low and behold it's a website for transsexual models. It was very graphic and extraordinarily frightening. After filling out the information for a free 30 day subscription, I decided this was not an interview that I was going to pursue.

The second model that I recently received was one of a much more mundane level. She apparently works as a Coors Light spokes model, which as she explains means that she goes to promotional events and "spokes to customers". Other job responsibilities include "taking pictures with customers" and "analyzing accounts". Besides the grammatical errors and typos I couldn't find any reason not to interview this one. Sure she doesn't have the law degree that we usually like our legal counsel to possess, but she makes up for it in chutzpah. Anyway the interview will be later this week.

This is a projection of what I expect our legal department to soon look like.

For Those in the Know

Here's Some Stuff You Don't Know

For those who don't know (which is most everybody) my wife had surgery on Tuesday and returned from the hospital on Wednesday. She'll be at home until next Friday when she has a return visit to the doctor. Without going into detail, because the wife wouldn't want me to, the surgery was neither life threatening nor cosmetic. So you can sleep comfortably knowing that she wasn't in any danger and she will still be recognizable. Please don't be offended that you didn't know. She didn't want a lot of people knowing and in fact kept a lot of the details quiet from everyone including me. I'm sure she'd like a card or flowers, might like a call, but probably would prefer not to have any visits as she still has some tubes and things going on for the next week. Also, if you do speak with her please don't let her know that you were informed by blog. Please say that I informed you by e-mail. I would have let everyone know earlier, but she is sensitive about these things and I've been swamped trying to take care of the kids and with assisting her. She doesn't like that I have to help her right now, but it shouldn't be much longer as she's feeling better everyday.

On a side note, our girls had their first game last night after a long 2+ week lay off. We were short handed missing two of our main defenders and had a couple of girls playing sick. Still we won and pulled our record even again at 3-3. We were in control enough that I called the dogs off in the last quarter of play and told our best player to hold off. She was pretty much scoring at will last night. My daughter played well and made some good passes that led to scores. Her soccer IQ is definately growing as she also made some passes that were good passes, but didn't go as planned, because the other girls didn't understand that they were supposed to make runs to certain areas of the field. She's picked up a couple of other ticks with her game that we need to work out so that she can get back to scoring again. Our throw-ins are now a strength of our team and corner kicks are getting better.

What's Dagromm Reading?

Right now, I'm working on A Case of Need by Jeffrey Hudson. Jeff Hudson is the pen name that Michael Crichton used to write under before he knew that he could become rich writing about dinosaurs and talking apes. It was written in 1968 and is filled with all sorts of scientific terms and data. In fact it's got even more than your average Crichton book because he hadn't yet found that balance between what is interesting to the reader and what bogs the book down.

A Case of Need has to be one of the top ten abortion mystery novels that I've ever read. Multifaceted and fascinating in it's background of hospitals, medical procedures, the Boston legal and social environment at the time. My criticism would mainly revolve around the number of characters that are used in the book. I haven't kept count, but whenever a name comes up I'm damned if I can remember who they are, or why I should know the name. Normally, after a few paragraphs I can recall why the main character is talking to them but it's an overly frustrating process.

This isn't a "must read", but if you like to see how Crichton has evolved as a writer or just enjoy books about abortion then I would say to pick this one up. I got it for $1.50 on clearance at half price books!

Movie Review

Hello Bloggers!!!! Welcome back to the world's most trusted movie review site. Today I will be reviewing the highly anticipated Rocky Balboa. This is the latest in the fantasy world of Rocky where in any sub par white boxer from Philly is bad ass enough to conquer the world of sports. This movie continues the tradition of showing us exactly what a pit Philadelphia is and how beneficial steroids can be for the human body. It also continues the trend of less and les impressive looking fighters that Rocky has gone up against. The list in order follows:

Apollo Creed

Just feast your eyes on this spectacle. Bad ass.

Clubber Lang

Four words for you, "I pity da fool"

Ivan Drago

Sorry for the grainy quality of the picture, but it was Communist Russia

and this is all that was released to the free world.

Tommy Gunn

Is this a joke?

Mason Dixon

Look at this guy!! Who'd want to fight this guy? He's too nice!

It's amazing that as they tried to incorporate real world boxing more and more into the movies they became less and less impressive. The names of the boxers also got worse and yet the technique of the boxers stayed terrible. The movie is still a sentimental watch so I have to give this movie an A-.

Soccer over the past few days

The Dallas Cup and being sick has taken up quite a bit of my time over the past few days. The tournament ended last night with Chelsea facing Sao Paulo. After watching the first round games I think these are the two that I would have guessed would make it to the final. Chelsea had a very talented team with a strong defense that made very few mistakes during the entire tournament. Sau Paulo was what most expected from a top Brazilian squad, creative, exciting, and tan. In the end Sau Paulo could not be denied and won last night's final 1-0 in the closing minutes of the game.

I'd like to thank Q for coming out to the games with me and my daughter, and for buying me that kick ass Mexican national team soccer T-shirt. I'd also like to reprimand Q for arguing with my 7 year old daughter for twenty plus minutes about whether Chester Cheetah is real and whether that was indeed him walking on the field at half time. Finally, I'd like to apologize to Q for straddling the chair next to him and doing pelvic thrusts in the direction of his head when the Irish scored their lone goal against the Brazilians. I see that was wrong now, and probably not a good example for the children sitting around us.

Been There, Done That

I had to stop be the pharmacy to pick up some meds for the family yesterday evening. I needed some heavy flu medicine and the girls in the house had some prescriptions to pick up as well. Any time you go to the CVS after 9 PM you run into a different crowd than the little old peolpe that shop during the daylight hours. While waiting around for the technician to figure out the different insurance plans involved, I noticed two teenage homies checking out the condom section.

Buying condoms has never been a stress free purchase for me. It's always the same feeling that everyone around has just gotten a very intimate look into my private life. That being said, I also never felt the need to have someone come with me for support. The guys (about 17/18) were looking over all of the different brands and mulling their options. I tried not to look as though I was watching them as they made this valuable life decision. They were there several minutes and made several nervous looks to see if anybody they knew had suddenly arrived. I finally decided that these boys could use some of my years of accumulated wisdom. When I turned to impart them with my advice I found that they had disappeared.

Oh well, hopefully they made a good decision. I stood waiting a few more minutes before I finally got my issue resolved. The insurance compay wasn't going to pay for it. I was going to need to call and complain tomorrow. As I walked towards the front, I saw the expeditious young men from earlier in the check out line. They were standing still nervously bag in hand waiting for the cashier to release them from their misery and hand over the change. The cashier was clearly enjoying this too. I looked at the bag they were holding and saw that besides the condoms they had also purchased some Certs and a couple of bags of Chex Mix. "Looks like you guys have a big evening planned," I announced.

They just hurried out of the store as if the security cameras had laser beams attached to them.

A Brazillion Reasons I Didn't Blog Yesterday

I took the day off of work yesterday. Sorry Bloggers!

This time when I "took the day off", I mean that I actually let the office in general know that I wouldn't be working or physically present. Not like the previous weeks where I try frantically to impress how busy I am on others in the office so that they will leave me alone to disappear for interviews, soccer games, long lunches with my homies at prestigious restaurants, or blog posts.

No, yesterday I was quite clear in my intention to use some valuable PTO and take care of other things. Dr's appointments, exterminator visits, soccer games were on the docket. The soccer game I went to in the evening was surely the highlight. It was me, Q, and my daughter at the stadium in Frisco to watch the U-19 Sau Paulo Futebol Clube (Brazil) vs. Shamrock Rovers (Ireland). It was a good game even though it wasn't very competitive. The Brazilians never looked like they were taking the game too seriously and even taking it easy were able to score a 6-1 victory. It became apparent that after they put up four goals they were being merciful as they could've doubled their score quite easily. Q and I joked about how the coach had told them to allow the Irish four passes every time they got the ball before they took it away from them, and how they were probably saying all sorts of encouraging things to the teeny tiny Irish players. Seriously there were a couple that looked like leprechauns. We surmised that the captain of the Irish team was the one who could drink the most beer as the players looked somewhat lit on the field.

I also got to speak to a fellow blogger via Q's cell phone that I had never spoken to before. It was pointed out that I sound differently then they had imagined. I don't know why. Maybe my punctuation and grammatical oddities aren't as noticeable on the phone. What did they imagine I was going to sound like? Do other people imagine what I sound like? What do they imagine me saying? Is it kinky?

It occured to me afterwards that I had heard their voice before on blog radio, so I wasn't caught off guard by their voice. Of course it might also have to do with the fact that a large part of my job involves calling people and talking to them.

Anyway.....Dallas Cup Semifinals on Friday:

Chelsea F.C. (England) vs Southampton F.C. (England)

Real Madrid C.F. (Spain) vs Sau Paulo F.C. (Brazil)

I can't wait.

Thanks to Gyuss for letting me know how much my blog value is. Unfortunately for me it is the most valuable thing I own.

My blog is worth $5,080.86.
How much is your blog worth?

A Strong Day for the Euro

My daughter and I went out yesterday with Q to watch the Opening day of Dallas Cup action. We got there shortly before noon and left a little after 9:00 that evening. For those that don't know, the Dallas Cup is a youth invitational soccer tournament that brings in some top teams from around the world. I like to watch the U-19 teams from the Super Group division as many of these players are a hair away from being on the professional squads of their individual clubs. In addition, I think that the tickets are very reasonable and in fact many of the games are free to watch. Yesterday, we started off the day watching Southampton (England) handle Deportivo Saprissa (Costa Rica) 3-1. The Southampton squad had a couple impressive players in the midfield and backline that I am interested in watching as they continue in the tournament. The next game we watched was Sao Paulo (Brazil) against Tigres (Mexico). The Tigres got a good start in this one and took an early 1-0 lead in the first half. I remember commenting to Q that Sao Paulo didn't look overly concerned or really even that interested in the entire first half and first part of the second half. They had some shots, but did not overwhelm by any means. Around midway through the second half Sao Paulo turned it on. They tied up the game and then
scored the go ahead goal with a few minutes remaning. This game had the largest crowd for any game I've seen there that wasn't in the Professional Stadium.
After that we moved into the Stadium and watched the end of Real Madrid (Spain) against Solar F.C. (local team). Real clearly outclassed their opponent and won the game 4-0, with a lot of their starters taking it easy by the end of the game.
Lastly, after suffering through the opening ceremonies we watched Chelsea (England) play Chivas (Mexico). Q was accosted before the game by a group of Chelsea supporters who took issue with his t-shirt marking him as a supporter of the Mexican teams. The Chelsea fan group though was woefully outmatched by their Chivas counterparts, both in number and sheer manic fanaticism. The Chivas supporters beat drums, sang songs, danced, threw confetti, unfurled MAMMOTH flags and banners, and set off smoke flares the entire game. It was impressive. Unforunately for them, Chelsea won the game 2-1. It was a tightly contested match and truthfully probably should have been a tie as Chelsea had a hand ball in their own box in the closing minutes that the referree didn't acknowledge.
It's funny that in a country that doesn't really support soccer that these teams still have groupies show up. All in all, it was a good day. The weather was great and I got lots of sun. In fact I think my skin is all dead now. Thanks CFC's.

Running Late

Dang it, I left late for work today. I was going through my normal routine, which doesn't always involve me being late when I got enraptured watching CNN Headline News. Robin Meade was looking especially saucy this morning. She was talking to the sports tool and he was almost enough to make me tune out, when they brought in a hot college girl to talk about a college class that she was taking that involved going to the Final Four.

I was hooked again. I didn't catch a lot of what they were saying, but the professor was a genius to create a class so that he could go to one of the biggest sporting events in the country and take coeds with him. As the story came to a close I was about to hit the power button, when Robin began a story about the new "Girls Gone Wild" Restaurants that are going to be opened. What??? Double take. Additional video footage meant that I was once again transfixed to the television. I was always told in school that current events were important.

The story wrapped up and Robin introduced their Entertainment correspondent Adrianna Costa. Damn it, I was never getting out of there. Adrianna is one of my top three Entertainment Reporters of all time. She had some important news about movies opening this weekend or something, I don't know I heard her but not a lot of it registered at this point.
Mercifully, Robin threw it to a commercial break and I ran for the door. Several fishtailing-on-wet-streets minutes later I snuck in the back door (sighs, thinking about the obligatory "back door" jokes) and silently like the wind made my way to my office.

Family Projects/Put Your Child To Work Day

Last weekend was actually pretty productive. I told the kids that we were going to do some projects as a family. Kids love projects. They're fun and cool and special, not anything like work which is boring and sucks. No, these were "family projects" which meant we were going to embark on some things together. Kids also love family time. I don't know why. I guess it looks really good in movies or something. Walls got patched and painted, weed and feed was put in the yard, my daughters dresser was sanded and repainted. It was great. I was finally getting some return on my investment in the kids.

I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out. From now on I'm seeing a whole new world. One where they clean the bathroom tile, fold and put up clothes, and do the dishes. My mind is practically filling up with all the great "family projects" we can do. The kids can wash the dog, clean the gutters, put up a new fence in the back yard, rotate my tires......

Office Ettiquete

I brought a salad and some chicken for lunch today. It's part of my plan to have million dollar abs by the summer. Actually, right now it's my entire plan. I'm eating hamburgers tonight.

So at 12:30, after having felt like I was starving for the previous hour, I finally went to the break room to recover my food from the community fridge. I threw my chicken in the microwave to reheat and stood nearby to wait. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't brought any dressing for my salad and was about to have a very bland meal. I went back to the community fridge expecting that there would be a host of dressings to choose from.

No such luck. The fridge had it's semi annual cleaning recently and there was only one bottle of dressing. It was some sort of natural poppy seed stuff that I had never seen before. I put a little on my salad, grabbed my chicken, and left. As I sat down to eat it occurred to me that whoever's dressing that was might not have appreciated my use of it. They hadn't put their name on it, so I couldn't ask. My mind was racing-Would they notice?-Will they be mad?-Did somebody see me, and will they turn me in?-Oh crap! Wait a second I told myself. You can't steal condiments. Condiments are free.

A Dark Omen on the Highway

I was headed home from work last week when it happened. The skies had been cloudy all day, but it wasn't until I left the shelter of the office that the rain began to fall. Almost immediately there were flashes of lightening, and they were nearby. I started my drive home a little wet, and bemused that the weather had decided to wait until now to unleash hell. Hazy gray clouds, a torrent of rain, and bolts of lightening arching across the sky, all on a day when I was looking forward to coaching soccer practice. "Oh well", I thought "Those plans are shot".

At least the traffic wasn't bad. Considering the weather, I was making good time. Usually rain like that would have slowed things down. Then as I entered I-35 northbound, I saw it. A black semi with no trailer attached was bearing down on me. It was dusty and worn looking. The grill was battered and plain. As I accelerated to match the highway speed the truck surged past me. The windows were dark and I couldn't see the driver. It looked like one of those scenes that you see in a late night TV movie where the death trucker runs people off the road in his pursuit to kill some hapless target. As the truck moved forward I saw writing on the back of the cab. In 8 inch hellfire red letters was written that this truck was "40 Tons of Thunder". The maximum weight for 18 wheelers in the US is normally 36.2 tons. That means this trucker would always carry at least 3.8 tons of evil. I tried to take a picture with my cell phone and then I exited the highway as quickly as I could. I didn't want to incur this demon truckers wrath. Almost as soon as I got off the highway the rain stopped and the clouds cleared away. By the time I got home it was beautiful outside. I have since checked my cell phone for the picture of the truck with the writing, but it was all a blur. Apparently the supernatural powers of hell would not allow me to capture an image of their dark messenger.

Underrated Movies/Guilty Pleasures

Here's a quick list of top five movies that I enjoy and get a chuckle from, that don't normally get the recognition that I think they deserve.

5. Dickie Roberts Former Child Star - Before there was Little Miss Sunshine this movie had the shock value comedy of the child dancing in a much to mature fashion. Truthfully any movie that you enjoy involving David Spade has to be labeled a guilty pleasure.

4. She's the Man - I think Amanda Bynes is funny. There I said it. True this movie isn't Shakespeare or anything, but I thought it...what's that??.......Oh, this movie is Shakespeare! That's what I meant to say. Can't go wrong with Shakespeare.

3. Joe Dirt - Before there was My Name is Earl this movie had the shock value comedy that is white trash Americana. Truthfully any movie that you enjoy involving David Spade has to be labeled a guilty pleasure.

2. Josie and the Pussycats - Rachel Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, Rosario Dawson, Parker Posey, and Missi Pyle. Sold!!!! The DVD even comes with the music video from Du Jour, the boy band of the movie, entitled Back Door Lover. I thought this movie had some great lines and of course let us know that "brown is the new pink" and that Mr. Moviefone also delivers subliminal messages.

1. The Big Hit - One of the first movies I bought for my movie collection. We learn that even murderous hitmen just want to make people happy, and that the discerning masturbater will demand lanolin not that aloe-vera bullshit!

Narrowly missing the list was Bring it On. I enjoy this movie quite a bit, but it has gained too much popularity since hitting video to still be considered a guilty pleasure. I can attest to being one of the proud few who saw fit to see this movie while it was new in theaters. I've seen it about two dozen times since then.

Them's the Breaks

Well, it's official. I took my 11-year old son to the Orthopedic Specialist yesterday to have his arm examined from his injury more than a week ago and he confirmed that my son broke his wrist. He's now sporting a half cast covering most his forearm, wrist, and hand.

When they asked him how he had hurt it I felt the need to interject and said that he had fallen while playing outside with his friends and landed on the sidewalk. This was a true enough version of events. The more complete version of events included him having a dance off competition outside of his buddy's house after school. I'm not sure what maneuver concludes with you breaking your wrist, but truthfully I was never much of a hip hop street dancer. So in my haste to save my son from having to hear, "Oooooh, You got served" I might have answered too quickly. The doctor's assistant kept giving me suspicious looks afterwards. I'll probably get a visit from Child Protective Services some time this week as a result. Why couldn't my son have been playing football like a normal kid?

Note: This is not an actual photo of the event that transpired.

Lady Girls' Soccer Update

We enter Spring Break after having pulled our season even at 2-2. In our game this past weekend we came from behind to win 5-4. It was good to see the girls not give up and to maintain their focus. In the past when the other team has scored first they've been quick to get frustrated and give up. This was one that could have gone bad quickly too. Although we maintained control the majority of the first half we couldn't hardly get anything to go in. While the other team who barely had any opportunities was finding the back of the net. Finally we started our come back from being down 4-1. My daughter asked to go back in the last quarter and play defense. Against my better judgement I put her back there and she really stood up to the challenge. She didn't allow anyone to get past her and threw herself in the way of the ball (when most would have gotten out of the way) to prevent any shots from going in.

As a follow up I went out to the local park and joined in the pick up soccer game with the vatos. This was my first time to make it out there in a few weeks and there was a large group of guys I didn't recognize. It was a lot rougher than it normally is and was the first time I thought a fight might just break out. I've got a number of bruises on my shins and I took a kick to the jaw, which was not entirely the other guys fault. I got to wear my new Chelsea soccer jersey, which I looked most awesome in. Also my new soccer ball, which I bought with birthday money, was a big hit. Here's a pic.

The Kids Next Door

The teen age kid next door is having a party tonight. The entire street up and down my block is littered with cars that have extra big tail pipes and shit hanging from the rear view mirrors. Personally I was surprised, because the kid next door looks like a geek to me. My only guess is that he and his best friend created some sort of woman with supernatural powers by using their computer and a barbie doll. Then maybe she forced them to have a party to try and make them cool. I don't know, but that's what makes sense to me.

I used to have HBO, so I know what goes on at these kinds of parties when the parents are away (they've got to be , right?). My buddy Big Dirty felt like it was our civic duty to check in on them and make sure they weren't getting into any trouble. So we went in their backyard where we could hear a lot of activity. They got kind of quiet when we entered the gate and below is what transpired.

Party Kid - Are you here to pick somebody up? We can go get them for you.

Me - No we're not anybodies parents. We just came by...

Big Dirty - ..to party!!!!

(Stunned silence)

Me - Umm, actually I live next door.

Party Kid - Oh, do you need us to turn the music down?

Big Dirty - No, it's cool. I've got some Creed CD's if you really want to get this party going. Hey, is that your girlfriend? (directed too loudly to the girl sitting just inside the gate)

Party Kid - (Caught off guard) Who? No, she's just....we're just friends.

Big Dirty - I know what you mean. No attachments. Keep it simple. This is my kind of party.

Party Kid - (Looks at the girl wide eyed, then back at us, then back to the girl)

Big Dirty - So, we were kind of watching the party from between the boards of my friend here's fence and it looks like there's some pretty fine girls here. Are any of them like really drunk or stoned or anything?

Party Kid - (Looking really nervous) I don't think so.

Me - (Quickly trying to recover) Because we don't want anybody taking the road that isn't fit to drive. If somebody needs a ride home then just let us know.

Big Dirty - (to me as if the teenagers can't hear him) I like where you're going with that.

Party Kid - Ok, we'll let you know if we need help.

Big Dirty - Maybe we should check everyone out just in case. That chick in the boots looks like she might be pretty messed up. I'll definitely take her home. Are there any you want Dagromm?

Dagromm - Well...what?

Party Kid - Everybody's ok, really. We'll come get you if we need your help though. Thanks for coming by.

Big Dirty - Oh...well alright. We'll be just watching on the other side of the fence.

Big Dirty and I have been hanging back at my house for over an hour since then. He's just concluded that they probably aren't going to come get us to give anyone a ride home. He's on the phone with the cops now complaining about the noise and how sure he is that they have drugs. He says he dropped a present just inside their fence just in case.

This is Why I Love America

http://www.wheredagoldat.com/alabama-leprechaun-video.htm

If you've never seen this news report and live in the South then you better check it out. You don't want to miss out on the riches that are out there to be had.

Scattershooting While Listening to My MP3 Player

I think if you were to try and encapsulate the average American's life in song it can be done by looking at the three most played songs on their Ipod. In this knowledge we would find keys to their personality and traits that made them unique as individuals. I also think that this would be a truer indicator than allowing somebody to pick what songs represented them, because I don't believe everyone would be honest with themselves. With that in mind these are the three most played songs in my MP3 player.

1. In 1984 the singer Sade cowrote and sang Smooth Operator. In her inherently sultry voice she croons the song that is equal parts sexy and political.

2. Smooth Criminal was originally relased in 1987 by Michael Jackson on the album Bad. The song inspired him to make the movie Moonwalker and subsequent video game.

3. Carlos Santana had a huge resurgence in 1999 with the release of his album Supernatural. On it, he collaborated with many artists for the differing tracks all with his unique sound. The biggest hit of the album was Smooth, his collaboration with Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20.

So that's my list. I'm not sure what it says about me, but it's probably pretty accurate.

Name Game

I was reminded of the Kanye West song "All Falls Down" yesterday. My assistant was cracking up while inputting some new employees benefit information into the computer system. She had come across an employee that was adding her two kids to her medical insurance. Their names were Porsche and Lexus. What made matters worse was the fact that Porsche was her son.

If I were going to name my kids after cars then I would have named my daughter Shelby and my son Bentley. Consequently, if I had named them after televisions then I would have named them Trinitron and Samsung HP -R6372.

Trading Post

I recently had some trade-in credit at Walmart. It's my default place for returning things that I have no idea where I bought and have finally realized that I'll never use. The bad part is that I get incredibly indecisive in situations like this. My goal was to return the object, with that accomplished I flounder with what to do next. There are too many choices and I don't know how best to spend my windfall. So I cruised down the aisles eyeing the gallon jug of Drakkar Noir, the leopard print steering wheel cover, and the value bin of Mexican movies (2 for $10!). Not seeing anything that caught my fancy I decided to check out the video games. I wanted to find something that was under my trade-in amount though and this proved difficult. I searched through several high priced games before I found one that fell into my budget and looked at least mildly entertaining. It was discounted and I knew it wasn't going to be that good, but it looked like it had a gratuitous amount of skimpily dressed animated girls and I was sold. I went searching for the employee that was supposed to be assigned to this section to ask him to pull the game for me so that I could look at the case.

I found the guy and waved him over. When I pointed out the game I wanted to see he got it out and the following conversation took place,

Walmart Guy - Are you sure you don't want to get a good game?

Me - I don't expect this to be great, but that's ok.

Walmart Guy - If you're going to get a fighting game I'd get DOA 4. It's much better.

Me - I'm sure it is, but this one's $20. DOA 4 is $60. So, I'll probably just get this one.

Walmart Guy - Or you could get Lost Planet or the new Medal of Honor game. They're much better then that one.

Me - Are any of those games $20?

Walmart Guy - No.

Me - Then I'm not interested.

Walmart Guy - If you're going to have a 360 then you at least need to get the good games for it.

Me - Not if they're $60. I'll just rent them.

Walmart Guy - Are you sure you want to buy that game? It's not good.

Me - Have you ever played it?

Walmart Guy - No.

Me - Do you know anybody that's played it?

Walmart Guy - No. I've worked here six months and never even sold one copy of that game.

Me - That would explain the discount.

Walmart Guy - What about Halo 3? You're not going to wait on that are you? I've already reserved my copy of the collectors edition that comes in the metal tin and has a special DVD. It's going to run about $150.

Me - I'm not really interested.

Walmart Guy - Halo 3!!!!????

Mom with kid - Can we see one of these X-Box games?

Walmart Guy - X-Box or 360?

Mom with kid - X-Box.

Walmart Guy - You know they don't even make those anymore. You need to get trade it in and get a 360.

He tried to dismiss the lady and her kid when he saw that I was leaving so that he could go back to berating me about my incomprehensible taste in games, but I ran for it.

Camping Just Got a Lot More Complicated

My son is finally leaving today on his school camping trip. It's a soon to be ending tradition in our school district that all of the fifth graders go for a week to this camp out of state. My son has been looking forward to this trip for a year now as he's never been to camp before. He had his eye on canoeing and archery and whatever other kind of crazy outdoor thing you can do. All of this semester we've been slowly getting the supplies he was going to need (sleeping bag, etc.) It seemed like every week we were receiving a reminder about forms that needed to be filled out or supplies that the kids needed to have. Needless to say we were all excited as this weekend approached.

So I'm also sure you can imagine what a kick in the crotch it was to take my son into the ER this weekend with an injured arm. He had hurt it on Thursday and by Friday evening his hand had swelled to a frightening degree. It looked like he was wearing a big inflated Mickey Mouse glove on one hand. The ER put a splint on his arm and referred us to a Orthopedic specialist. My son was devastated by the thought that he might not be able to go on his camping trip. He was relieved to find out that his dad's philosophy is that since camp was paid for he was going no matter what. So apparently he left on the bus this morning. When I took him he didn't want my help carrying his bags over to the waiting area. I guess he doesn't want anyone questioning his ability to go on the trip.

Get Your Motor Running

I was driving down the highway the other day (In fact I was rushing back to the office from an interview) when I was passed by a grizzled octogenarian dressed entirely in black leather on his custom Harley. He had a cigarette held tightly between his lips, black sunglasses, and a few days growth of facial hair. His biker jacket proclaimed the "gang" he belonged to. Clearly this was a man who had kicked some ass in his day and probably still kicked ass on a semi-regular basis.

He was moving at a good clip down the road and I sped up a little to keep up with him. I was sure to stay back a bit so he wouldn't spot me. I didn't want to anger him and come home to find his gang in my front yard destroying what few valuables I own and holding my family hostage. I was curious about what sort of mission would have him out in the afternoon daylight moving with such urgency. Possibly he was hunting down some sort of bounty that was trying to skip town. Or maybe he was transporting information on some heist his crew was about to pull off. Or what seemed most likely, he was probably trying to catch up with some police convoy to free one of the members of his gang in some uber-violent manner.

Suddenly the elderly biker swerved hard to the right and slammed his brakes. It was on! I slowed in eager anticipation of the ass whooping that I was about to get to witness. The biker was clearly agitated. Not wanting to come to a complete stop in the highway I craned my neck around while still driving to see what had garnered this solitary warrior's violent reaction. The cigarette had apparently fallen out of his mouth and gotten stuck in the crotch of his jeans. He was now slapping at it furiously trying to get it out and end the burning.

All I could think as I drove on was how well practiced he looked at slapping at his crotch while driving his bike. What a bad ass.

My New Best Friend

I have been busy with interviews and such lately. It comes in waves sometimes. So it has meant that I've had to disappear from the office for hours at a time a lot more than usual. In return I have a lot less blog time as I make myself more visible when I am at the office to cover for the fact that I've been disappearing a lot.

Anyway, yesterday I was called to an office of a prospective employer to take a test. I can't remember the last time I had to test for an employer so I didn't really know what to expect. Was it going to be an intelligence test (e.g. the Wonderlic) or a job knowledge test (on HR laws)? No, it was a test on prioritizing and use of Microsoft Office Apps. I was given a list of tasks to perform. Memos to send out. Spreadsheets to generate. And PowerPoint presentations to create. Ok, I use Microsoft Office daily. So no problem right? Well.......not exactly. Sure I work with Excel, but I have never had cause to use formulas before. I've delivered PowerPoint presentations, but I never actually had to make one before.

As I sat in the room looking at the computer like it had turned against me, I pondered what to do. I thought about standing up and walking out, but Dagromm's aren't quitters. Whiners yes, but quitters no. I thought about just letting them know that I would have my assistant or intern do all of this work for me and asking them when they wanted me to start. I also thought about using the work of the person that had used the computer before me, but I thought that might sniffed out pretty easily and it appeared that whoever it was that had the computer before me was less computer literate than I. I say this because I found his note of apology saved in the documents section. It said that he had tried and that if they hired him he would learn how to do these things. It was really kind of sad. I think he was one step away from suicide.

I finally decided to give it a shot and see what I could come up with. Luckily Clippy, my new bestest friend, came to my aid. Hell, Clippy practically created everything for me. Whenever I didn't know what to do next I just turned to Clippy and he took care of it. Clippy made my PowerPoint pretty and colorful. It wasn't the best I'd ever seen, but it looked about as good as most PowerPoints I've had to sit through. Clippy then helped me create a memo and other generic office offal. Thanks Clippy. You were there for me when no one else was.

Clippy says hi!

Heart Break

We've started off the soccer season the same place we started last season. Losing. It was a major disappointment as I think the girls that we added have a lot of potential and I had hoped the girls from last season would respond more favorably than they did. The girls looked too lost and made way too many mistakes in our first game. The second game they looked considerably better, at least for the first half of the game. This is the kind of thing that gets me feeling down the whole weekend.

After the game I huddled the girls together. I screamed that they had just ruined my weekend and that this was the worst birthday I had ever had. Then I grabbed my bags and ran away with tears in my eyes. In the world of coaching this is called motivation. I think they're going to come to this next game really inspired.

What's going on?

Every once in a while I catch my kids trying to get away with something that they know they shouldn't. For example, I caught my son trying to unplug my alarm clock this morning in the hopes that we would over sleep and let him skip school for the day. Little did he know that by the time the alarm goes off every morning I'm just laying there in mock sleep. The cat and the dog know what time I should get up and are quick to annoy me every morning until I pet them or feed them. So when my son came creeping in like a keystone cops bank robber he didn't realize I was in my mock sleep state. After he crept back to his room I walked in flipped on the lights and told him that as long as he was already awake he needed to clean up his room immediately, fix his and his sisters' lunches, and that he had just excused himself from video games for the next month.

Thinking about it now, I still get aggravated by the whole situation. The worst part is that I'm not sure whether it's because he tried to get away with something, or because it's something that could have affected me, or because of the very clumsy way in which he attempted it. Invariably when I catch him trying to get away with some mischief, after reading him the riot act I want to sit down and tell him a better way to have pulled the caper. I want to point out the flaws in his strategy and execution. I think it's better if I don't, but it's tough to watch your kids make mistakes.

Numbers Game

I purported to Plug on her blog the other day that I think that all men love lists. I don't know why. Maybe it's just some innate need to have order in our lives. Maybe it's a need to know what value things have in life. I'm not sure. I do know that I have many, many, many lists. Not all of them are written down. Most are "in general" rankings that I keep in my head. I know that in talking about good movie stars and such, I used to throw out to Q and CyberD that a certain woman was good looking, but not in my top five, or ten, or fifty, or even hundred. Finally, Q and CyberD each did me one better and actually put pen to paper and made their top 100 lists of famous women. CyberD went the farthest by creating a dossier of each woman including where her family lives and predictions where she might be found should he ever be in the area.

I have lists for an innumerable amount of subjects. For instance, I can tell you that my top actor in the last twenty years is John Cusack, followed by Ralph Macchio and William H. Macy. I can tell you that my top 10 rappers turned actors are 1) Ice Cube 2)Mark Wahlberg 3)Will Smith 4) Ice T 5) The Fat Boys 6) Queen Latifah 7)DMX 8) Tupac 9)Eve 10) Snoop. I can also tell you that in unarmed combat I am the second deadliest person I know. I don't want to tell you where you all rank as I'm afraid it might hurt some feelings.

Glocks in Box

I had to reschedule my sons weekly guitar lesson due to a conflict with the upcoming start of soccer. That meant getting up early on Saturday, when I might otherwise have slept in and taking him to class. As I sat outside the strip mall waiting for him I was caught by the sight of a young 4 or 5 year old girl walking down the sidewalk with her mom. No, I wasn't just staring at the mom (although not bad...), but instead the fact that the girl was carrying what appeared to be a Glock. I was a little startled about why a child would be carrying around a Glock and in a public area. The mom didn't seem to be too concerned, but I certainly was when they turned and walked right in to where my sons' guitar lessons were being held. OK, I was bewildered. My curiosity grew as I saw another 4/5 year old child arrive with his mom and he was also carrying a Glock. And then another and another and another. Each of them walking around with a Glock in his hands.



I couldn't take it anymore. I know I live in Texas, but to see young kids walking around with these things was too much to take. I had to know what was going on. So I weant inside after them to get some answers. It turns out the same place that teaches my son the ways of the guitar also has a class for young kids on the weekend in which they are all required to purchase their own Glock. I still don't know what kind of nefarious plan I've stumbled onto. The children were all in a room with their parents when I entered the building. Sitting just to the side of each of them were their Glocks in specially manufactured cases. Are the children being raised to be some sort of spies or soldiers or muhjadeen? I don't know. But it frightens me.

Picture of kid with glock

Take it to the Bridge

This weekend the family went to watch Bridge to Teribithia. This was at the bequest of my youngest who was convinced by all of the ad time on Disney Channel that she wanted to see it. The rest of us like fantasy movies and things that are marketed to 7 year olds so we agreed. If you don't want any spoilers then stop reading now. I myself have never read the book that the movie was based on. I remember hearing of it, but had some recollection that the book was girly. I don't know why I had that in my head, but I did. Well we weren't prepared for what was coming. The movie got heavy pretty quick. From the depressing life that Jess lived, to some relatively deep talk about God and Christianity, to the unexpected death of the main girl and Jess' only friend in the movie. In the end, we walked out feeling like we needed some sort of grief counseling. My little girl said that she didn't ever want to go to the movies again, because "it was too sad". She just didn't understand why the girl had to die or why they'd put that in the movie. My son was sad as well, but mainly because I think he had been expecting to see Ghost Rider.

I had to spend the rest of the night trying to cheer everybody up. That meant comfort food and trying to find a movie that would make us laugh. Being the good dad that I am I got us some burritos and nachos from Taco Bueno. Then I popped in one of the movies that I remember having several funny moments in it from when I was a kid. So we sat to eat and watch Stand By Me. Although the movie does have a lot of funny parts, I forgot that the whole trip the boys were going on was to see the body of a dead boy that had gotten hit by a train (Oops. Not helping). I also forgot that the character of Chris Chambers (the best friend) is reported at the end of the movie to get stabbed in the throat and killed (definately not helping). My little girl who was having a pretty devastating weekend at this point let me know that although she was sad that she knew it wasn't real and that she knew the actor was still alive. I decided to keep quiet about the fact that River Phoenix wasn't making any more movies.