Clean Sweep

Today is "Office Clean Up Day" at work. The idea is that everyone will go through their workspace, collect all unused office supplies, and take them to the Facilities Department. I think management has some fanciful idea that I am going to happily participate and hand back over all of the office supplies that I've carefully collected and hoarded over the last six months. I can guarantee that there is very little possibility of that.

In return, the department that hands over the most stuff will win a free pizza lunch. Ooooh fun!!!! Wow pizza!!! What a motivation!! I'm really gonna bust my ass for some pizza that I have to share with my coworkers. How come as adult professionals they try to motivate us the same way they did when we were in elementary school? A pizza party indeed!! Why not just offer us a chance to get a sticker out of the Treasure Chest?

I have decided though that since I wanted to wear jeans today and be comfy I would go ahead and throw some of the junk away that I've been keeping around my office.

Good bye corkscrew that I held onto just in case some vendor decided to send me a contraband bottle of wine. I'm turning over a new leaf and will now just bring you around holiday season.

See you later potato gun. You helped me get around that pesky "No weapons in the workplace" policy, but I think I'll just whittle a shank out of my name plate instead.

Hasta la vista random discounted chemicals. You have intimidated my boss long enough to give me job security for as long as I want it. Thank you.

Take it easy little rodent. Your companionship has grown wearisome. Your going into the trash with the rest of it.

Be gone 48x36 picture of David Hasselhoff. We shared a lot of experiences. The less said about that the better.

Take a hike picture of "girlfriend that lives in Canada". I don't think anybody really bought our relationship anyway.

Guitar Hero

This weekend my son had his first guitar performance at his music schools' concert. I got the impression from his practicing the day or so leading up to the concert that he hadn't practiced as much as he should have and was cramming before the big test.

So, Saturday evening we crammed into the room where the ten or so kids would be playing in front of assembled family, friends, and instructors. My son kicked things off with his rendition of Pachobel's Canon. Something I had been referring to as the Taco Bell Cannon for the previous week. In case you didn't know the Taco Bell Cannon is what eventually over powered the defenders of the Alamo and allowed Santa Anna to claim victory. My kids' teachers love the interesting misinformation I feed my kids. At least I think so.

Anyway they introduced him and even in the back of the room I could hear him immediately question the MC, "I thought I was going second!!!". He dropped his guitar about four times on his way up to the front to play his music and then launched into it before anyone realized he was going to start. He played a little too softly as for some reason he had decided not to plug into the amp that was there, but I could still make it out. It started off well, but as he reached the more difficult bits there were some painful stumbles. I think that he realized he should have practiced more, but we were still proud of him for testing his nerves and playing in front of a room full of people.

The other performers (all kids) varied from comical to more comical in their performances. One fourteen year old who was performing reminded me of a much younger Kyle Gass. In looks, and sound, and presence. That being said he was so into his playing of Sunshine of My Heart that he started singing along and decided to do the extended rock your socks off version. Admittedly he was a good guitar player, but the singing was........off. I could barely contain my laughter. My son didn't seem to notice though as he was in the front row throwing up the devil horns and banging his head to the music. I almost died.

In other news, it was Saint Mother's Day this weekend. A shout out to all the mamas out there. You know who you are.

Additional Info

Since my post yesterday, I've been beset with questions from people for more information and dietary advice. One of the recurring questions was for more information about Formula 50 Vitamin Water. So, for you the loyal reader I have pulled the description from the Glaceau Corporate website (http://www.glaceau.com/). The description reads as follows:


FORMULA 50
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------no love playa?
honeys bounce when you
throw bad game. try a dose of
formula 50... and lose the pimp
cup.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
inspired by a certain hip, hot artist, formula 50 brings a serious
entourage of vitamins. from a bling blits at jacob the jeweler, to a
cheddar check-in with the accountants, to a party in da club...
you'll roll with 50 (per)cent of many of your daily requirements.

I hope this helps.

Dagromm

Summer Plans

Summertime is nigh upon us and you know what that means. It's time for me to shed a few pounds of winter weight and get the body ready to put on display at the local swimming pool (disclaimer: by swimming pool I mean any place where I have an excuse to take my shirt off). Those who know me will tell you that I don't go in for fad diets or fad anything really. I'm to level headed for that. Sure I've got 20 inch rims on my car and wear my flossed out grill when I'm not at work. I've been known to sag my pants to my knees while wearing my over sized Lakers jersey and carry my Snoop Dogg approved pimp cup. Those things are classic though.

So when it comes to trimming down I don't jump on board with fad things like the Atkins diet or South Beach diet. I don't sign up for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. I'm not a follower. I'm an innovator. I realize there might be others out there that also need to drop a few pounds quickly, so I'm sharing my Super Secret Massively Effective Diet and exercise plan with you. For the next two weeks and further if needed I will only consume things on the SSMED's Approved Food List.

SSMED's Approved List
Formula 50 Vitamin Water
Sweet Tarts
Flintstones Complete Multi-Vitamins
Enzyte
Red Bull

In addition to this rigid diet I will maintain a strict exercise schedule. The schedule is listed below.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday--30 Minutes--Rock My Hips
Tuesday, Thursday--30 Minutes--Shake My Skittles
Saturday--60 Minutes--Pop, Lock, and Drop It
Sundays are a rest day to let my body recover.

Big Announcement!!!

Dear Blog World,

This note will mark the 200th post on The House of Dagromm. I haven't gotten official word from the Guinness Book yet, but I believe this to be a world record.

Since the record checking department can take several weeks to verify peoples' accomplishments and I believe it just to be a formality, I would like to go ahead and say a few words of thanks for those who made it all possible.

First of all I have to thank God. Without you I could never have achieved everything in my life. You give me guidance and inspiration.

I'd also like to thank my darling wife. You have stood beside me, or behind me, or near me, or some times you sit down, and sometimes it's in a completely seperate room while you watch TV; but through it all I know that you've wanted what is best for me and my blog.

Next, I'd like to thank Allah. I'm not sure if you really exist, but if you do then I couldn't have done this without you either. I appreciate you not having any of your followers declare Jihad on me. I throw big ups and mad respect your way.

My family, I love all of you. Really. I know I don't visit, or call, or write but I do care...from a distance.

To Cyberman, Q, Gyuss, and all of the friends I've made in the blog community, don't feel that this makes me a better blogger than you. Instead I open my doors to you to draw inspiration from me and all that I have accomplished. You're welcome.

I'd also like to thank Jewish God. You're a lot like Christian God, which makes you ok in my book. While I'm at it, I'd also like to thank Brahman, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, and Thor. I'm not sure what part any of you played in all of this, but I like to cover my bases.

Last, but not least, I'd like to thank all of my loyal fans out there. To you, the silent masses that may not speak out on the comments section, I give my sincerest of thanks. Without your support this blog would not have become the record breaking blog it is.

Yours Truly,
Dagromm

Nemesis Confrontation

My daughter's soccer team had their last game of the season on Saturday. It was against the team that happened to be the first team they played last season. That game included lots of poor sportsmanship on the part of the other team. Name calling, pushing, hitting, scratching, and hair pulling. It was the worst I've ever seen in any sport at any level.

For a newly formed team of girls, many of which had never played competitive sports before it left an imprint. None of our girls had forgotten this team. So entering into this last game there was lots of excitement to finally face them again. My own daughter has been obsessed with this game for two months now. So, it was a mixed feeling of excitement and trepidation when they finally took the field.

It was a good game from start to finish. We had the first foul called on us as one of our girls showed one of their girls to the ground very quickly. It wasn't dirty and I don't think should have been called, but it did set the tone that we weren't going to be pushed around this time. The other team scored first thanks to a run by a very speedy girl, but our team didn't give up and scored the next two goals. One of our goals was by a girl that hadn't scored all season. I was thrilled to see her score, because I had been telling her parents all season that she had the skill to do it. In the second half she scored again and she was all a glow.

Our opposition almost immediately answered and tied the game up. It was back and forth with both teams having some opportunities and we went into the final quarter of play up 5-4.

I was tense as I needed to shift some girls around to make sure they all got equal playing time. My daughter finally scored the game clinching goal with a few minutes left to play. She was great and really fun to watch that day, because she was not going to be denied. In that last quarter she was our entire offense. Every time that we had the ball on their end was because she got it down there. I've said several times that she is not the fastest or strongest girl out there. She does it on sheer force of will. It's really cool. There were times where she would have three opponents grabbing and kicking at her and she would still progress the ball down field. She finally got a one on one opportunity with their best defender. As soon as I saw the defender stand back to try to block the shot, I knew it was going in. I would have bet money on it. Finally my daughter had what she had wanted ever since their first game against each other last season. She had slayed that dragon.

The Rift Grows

I have to say that things are as I had suspected. In-fighting, distrust, and power struggles have over taken our small group. I find as the Quad continues to fragment that I am left as the voice of reason to try and hold things together. Relationships are not as easily mended though as dinner plates, and when they are being thrown at others across the kitchen of the internet, I am left to wonder whether the super glue of love is strong enough to hold it together. I offer up the e-mail transaction from yesterday as proof. Once again the edits are in red.

From: Gyuss Baltaar
Sent: Thursday, May 03, 2007 8:53 AM
To: Dagromm; Q
Subject: Driving CyberD nuts

Ok, for the next week, no one uses the word "CyberD" on the blogs. It's Cyberman at ever reference.

He made such a big deal about changing it, we don't use it for a week and see if he notices.
__________________________________________________________________________

From: Cyber D
Sent: Thursday, May 03, 2007 11:31 AM
To: Dagromm
Subject: I'm not blind

Don’t think that I don’t see what you M-Fers are doing!!! You people whip my ass!!!!!!!!!!!

Cyber D
________________________________________________________________________

From: Dagromm
Sent: Thursday, May 03, 2007 11:35 AM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: I'm not blind

It wasn't my call
________________________________________________________________________

From: Cyber D
Sent: Thursday, May 03, 2007 11:39 AM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: I'm not blind

So who’s call was it?

Cyber D
________________________________________________________________________

From: Dagromm
Sent: Thursday, May 03, 2007 11:39 AM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: I'm not blind

I don't rat out my friends!!!!!!

on e-mail. Call me.
________________________________________________________________________

I don't lnow how much more our little group can take or how much longer I have the strength to try and keep us together. You'll notice that even through it all I never outed Gyuss as the ring leader of this plan. I will always be a good friend like that.

The Dance of Life

I don't know if I've broken this news to everyone, and I'm fairly certain that I haven't, but my 11 year old son is taking dance lessons. We started him in it at the beginning of the school year since he needed some sort of exercise and hadn't picked anything for himself. He didn't want anyone to know initially, so I kept his secret so as to avoid any embarrassment that he might have about it. He has wanted to drop it a number of times, but we the parents have made him stay in.

One of the good things about being a male dancer is that the studios are so starved for boys in their classes that they can take as many classes as they like for the price of one. So besides the "required" ballet, tap, jazz, my son has also taken a hip hop class and an all boys (exercise) class. At the beginning of the calendar year I gave my son the chance to drop out. I told him that he had done it long enough to satisfy us and that if he wanted to quit now or ever then it was his decision. He thought about it for a while and decided that he had done it this long and wanted to see how much further he could go. I have to admit I was surprised. I had already made plans for that additional money every month, but oh well.

Since then he has been in a better mood about going and has even decided to be in the recital next month. He did not want to do the ballet routine, but did want to do tap and was asked to be in the performance of another class. Since their doing "Batdance" he was on board. He even gets to dress up as a villain and probably get his ass kicked by Batman.

This all being said, I was in the dance studio waiting for my son's practice with the Batman group to end when BIG weather hit last night. Tornado sirens were going off, rain was flying horizontally, and the power went out for a ten/fifteen minutes. The younger kids were getting fairly worried and I started thinking about how I was going to have to rebuild this land as one of the only survivors with the help of the dance instructors. It was pretty great. My son apparently had the same idea as he had spotted and started chatting up one of the moms. A very hot mom. I embarrassedly pulled him away from her and explained the process of calling dibs to him.

Some lessons don't get learned as quickly as others though and I had to pull him away from her about five more times before the weather let up enough for us to head home. She seemed to get a kick out of it, but I don't think it was right of her to use him to get to me. I'm not that kind of dad.

A Rift in the Quad???

It's come to my attention that there might be some plotting going on by some in my group of "friends" to my detriment. There have been phone calls, e-mails, and secret rendezvous. I sniffed one out last week and called Cyber D on it. Below is a true and real e-mail exchange between us. I have marked the parts that have been edited in red, which are just our names and e-mail addresses.

From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 1:53 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: Avatar talk

So I’m thinking about embracing the CyberD persona. I’ve fought it for a year but it’s catching on like wild-fire damn it! So much so that I don’t think anybody in blog-country refers to me as cyberman. Don’t get me wrong, I actually think cyberd is more creative than cyberman. It also has a phallic connotation as anytime one uses the letter D by itself it draws certain conclusions. I just wasn’t the one to come up with it first. But here in lies the rub… assuming I could change my avatar name, and if I did… would it loose the luster for folks like Q… or has it already generated a certain amount of momentum that goes beyond any one person?

Cyber D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dagromm
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 1:55 PM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

Wow!!!! And I thought I was bored. You've created a whole little world to live in.

Change it. Please.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 1:58 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

Yeah… my boss is out of town this week and my entire job is basically waiting for him to approve my donor list. Until then I got nothing to do… don’t get me wrong, I could totally create some work… but it wouldn’t be mission critical stuff. So I’m content to sit here and blog… I suppose I should write. So you think I should change it?

Cyber D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dagromm
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 1:58 PM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

Yes gawdammit!!!!!!! And post something on your blog
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:01 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

I did, mother Fer!!!!!!!! So go refresh your damn browser why don’t you!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I just may change it but it’s going to include an entire post dedicated to the change so I’m not doing it yet.

Cyber D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dagromm
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:01 PM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

Thank you Lord Baby Jesus!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:03 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

You’re welcome, Holy Baby Jesus Santa

Cyber D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dagromm
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:04 PM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

So why didn't you invite me to Bone Daddy's with you and Q?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:05 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

It wasn’t confirmed yet. Can you come?

Cyber D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dagromm
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:06 PM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

I'm coming right now. YYYEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:08 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

No, Tater-nuts… can you join us for lunch?

Cyber D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dagromm
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:08 PM
To: Cyber D
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

IFFFFFFFFFFFFFF I'm invited I could probably make time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Cyber D
Sent: Wednesday, April 25, 2007 2:11 PM
To: Dagromm
Subject: RE: Avatar talk

Holy Mary Mother of…. You’re INVITED!!!!!!! Friday. I don’t know what f-ing time but Friday.

Cyber D
_________________________________________________________________________________

Note three things 1) That we actually do refer to "Q" as "Q" amongst ourselves 2) Cyber D likes to sign his name A LOT and 3)How I totally impose my will on Cyber D to get invited to lunch.

Weekend Update

The weekend kicked off with lunch on Friday with Q and CyberD. We used to go to a hamburger place that we all liked, but Q refuses to go there anymore since they changed their uniforms away from Bikini Tues/Thurs and School Girl Wed. Our new place is similar to the old place, but the uniforms aren't quite as good and it's a little more expensive. I forgot the rule of going to eat with the guys which is to be the first in line to be seated. That meant that I was sitting across from the other two in the booth. I with a view of the window. Them with a view of all the passing waitresses. We had a cute waitress and quickly established a good repartee with her, at least until she brought us our drinks. As she approached the table CyberD shouted at her for seemingly no reason, "I'm really not a prick!!!". Q, the waitress, and I were stunned. There was a moment of awkwardness and then she said, "Okay". Later she caught Q staring when she was stretching out her back and busted him on it. We had some other weird conversation with her about Q working a corner in some stilettos and how our waitress spends 30 hours a week partying.

Saturday brought my weekly coaching gig. The girls' soccer team played a game that was the opposite of the game they played the week prior. This time we had a terrible first half and a spectacular second half. We were losing 6-1 at half time and I let the girls get their drinks and their snacks then I pulled them away from their parents and gave them a talking to. This made my wife very nervous as she could tell that I was more than a little agitated by the lack of effort I had seen. Anyway, I told the girls not to repeat what I told them otherwise their mothers would be eaten by rats at night. It really had an impact. The girls came back strong and won the game 8-7. My daughter got four goals and has been in "the zone" the last three games or so. One game left this weekend with a chance to finish with a winning record. We're 5-4 at the moment.

I had hoped to have a special guest by the house Saturday evening, but plans were changed a couple of times and eventually I was stood up. No big deal. Sure we'd cleaned up the house all night, shampooed the carpets, washed the children, grilled salmon, potatos, zucchini with a spicy chipotle/tomato sauce, and made homemade chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Like I said, no big deal. I wasn't upset but in a slight moment of disappointment and frustration I grabbed all the food, threw it on the newly cleaned floor, then jumped up and down on it. Then I went out into the street and yelled at all of my neighbors for thinking they are so superior.

I finished the weekend on a high as Q and I did fairly well at the track on Sunday. We won early and then again on the last race. In between winning we ate, watched the draft and laughed a lot. We both left with a little extra money in our pockets. When we returned to my house I gave a hasty excuse that it was best if he didn't come in because we hadn't cleaned up and that my neighbors were assholes.

For Public Consumption

Here is my interview with Edgy Mama http://www.edgymama.com/ . Thanks to Scooter for setting up random interviews on her blog http://sarcasticfringe.com/. Also head over to Celebrate Woo-Woo http://celebratewoowoo.com/ to check out my interview of her.

1. What’s your sign and does it fit your personality or do you think astrology is a crock?
I'm a Pisces, and I think it's' description is dead on. According to Astrology-Online the traits of a Pisces are as follows:

Imaginative and sensitive

Compassionate and kind

Selfless and unworldly

Intuitive and sympathetic

I also tend to avoid Geminis. They are too much trouble.

2. When’s the last time you ate each of the following and what was the situation: 1. liver 2. haggis 3. insect larvae 4. a Poptart?
1. The last time my mother cooked it. I was probably 8 years old.

2. I've never had it and feelt hat it is unlikely that I ever will.

3. This will never happen. I expect I would hang myself first.

4. Probably a month ago. My wife tends to buy them for the kids and I don't really care for them too much, but I can't help myself when there is only one left in the box. I just like taking the last of something.

3. What do you most regret doing to someone else and why (in three paragraphs or less, please)? I'm a Pisces (see description above). I can't think of too much that I've done to others that I regret. Maybe typical teenage blow ups that my parents could've lived without. Oh, and forgetting birthdays. I'm terrible with that.

4. Who is your favorite Super hero/heroine and why?
I'd say it's the Vision. He is an android that was built for villainous purposes, but became self aware and decided to revolt against his creator. He then joined the Avengers and spent the next several years trying to understand his own humanity and existence. I like the idea of independent thought being able to overcome programming (social, environmental, etc.). He also married a hot red head, which pushed him to the top ranking for me.

5. What is the question you’d most like to be asked that no one has ever asked you?
Would you like us to direct deposit your Lotto winnings?

Hello Gambling Season

I've been writing about gambling all week and today I'll tell you why. This weekend marks the time I make my first trip out to the horse track every year. It has become an annual occurrence for me to meet up with Q on the weekend of the NFL draft and wager on some ponies. We get seats that have televisions and for almost 8 hours sit planted. We place our bets with the...I'm not sure what their called...people that walk around with the handheld electronic devices for recording bets (legal bookies?). Waiters come by and take our food and drink orders. With multiple races and football draft info coming the whole time, it's damn near heaven.

The NFL draft also marks the beginning of Fantasy Football season as well. There will still be another bout of free agency that will affect teams line-ups, but the majority of it will be set. In another month magazines will start coming out and my studying will begin. As fantasy football is basically another form of gambling, this ultimately makes this weekend the opening ceremonies of gambling.

Make It Exotic

One of the reasons that Q and I get along so well is that we understand each other. I understand that he will always valet rather than walk from the parking lot at the horse track, and he understands that I will always be enraptured by the tic-tac-toe playing chicken that is on display in the front of Louisiana Downs.

If you beat her you win $10. I've never seen anyone beat that chicken. She takes her time and strategizes. She's good. Still people will lineup and wait for 45 minutes just for the chance to win $10. I've never played her. I would, but I hate standing in lines. There is almost nothing in the world that I will wait in line more than five minutes for.

I tried to explain, in very basic terms, wagering on horse racing to my daughter the other day (because I'm a good parent). She asked how much you get if the horse you pick wins the race. "Well it all depends," I told her. "If you bet on the horse that appears to be the best and everyone expects to win then you might bet $2 and win $3.20." "Then what's the point?" she asked. This is pretty much the same philosophy that Q and I have when placing wagers.

We almost never make a win, place, or show bet. It isn't worth placing the bet if you can't win significantly more then you wager. We wager exotics. Exactas, Trifectas, and Superfectas. That way you can turn your two dollar wager into big money. Of course, this isn't the end result most times but I would still say that Q and I are pretty good. We've both hit some decent pay days and are normally very close.

The worst was a time I was at the track with my mom and Q. My trifecta was about to hit when the second place horse broke it's leg five feet from the finish line. It fell and threw it's rider. The entire crowd groaned as the horse flailed around in obvious pain with it's useless leg until handler's could get out to it. I haven't gone back out to the track with my mom since. I'm not blaming my mom, but I'd feel terrible if her counter karma caused another poor horse to die.

This is not a picture of my mom.

Connections with the Family

I used to work for a car rental company a few years back that prided itself in picking up their customers from home, or work, or the car repair facility. While still early in my career there I was sent out to pick up a regular customer from their house. When I arrived at the large new home two men came out to the vehicle. One of them was a burly looking guy dressed in a collared shirt and slacks. The other was in a track suit that was open a little too far, sneakers, and had several gold chains around his neck. He had dark slicked back hair. It was almost comical.

The big guy sat up front with me as we headed back to the office, while the other sat in back. As I normally do in situations like this I got some conversation going.

Me - So do you have any big plans for the day?

The man in the track suit - We're going to the horse track.

Me - Oh, cool. Have you been to the new track very much? I've been wanting to go, but hadn't made it out yet.

The man in track suit - We go on a regular basis. That's what I do for a living.

Me - Oh yeah? You must do pretty well. What's the most you've ever won on a race?

The man in the track suit - A hundred thousand.

Me - Damn. You must have a good system then. I've been reading a book about handicapping and Beyer numbers. Do you have any tips for what to look for?

The man in the track suit - Not really. I just know people. Jockeys, trainers, their families.

Me - Oh.

He went on to tell me that they tell him things and that's how he places his bets. He didn't say why they tell him things or how he knew them. We went on to the office and he rented the car from the manager in the most bizarre fashion that I had seen. He got a luxury car and didn't leave a credit card as a deposit (which is required), didn't show a drivers license (which is required), and didn't sign his own paperwork (which is required). What he did do is leave a thousand dollar cash deposit which he pulled from a wad that must have been twenty grand from his front pocket. He also had the burly guy give me business card in case I ever wanted to contact him or place a wager and couldn't get to the track. They also did football games, basketball, etc. The card had a phone number on it, but the name on it was not his. It looked more like a nickname.

The manager who had made sure the paperwork was ready when I got to the office said not to worry about the rental being out of the norm. He was a repeat customer and always paid his bills. He also said that I would be insane if I kept that card and ever placed a bet with the man in the track suit.

The manager came back to me a few minutes later to make sure that I threw the card away and reiterate that it would be a very bad idea to ever call that guy.

New Harry Potter Trailer

It's up on Yahoo. It looks very different from the book, but also looks pretty darn cool. I'm all a flutter.

Karmic Tornado

There are times in a person's life when karma is with you. The foggy ether of the universe parts and certain fundamental truths become obvious and every move you make can't help but succeed. Winning becomes easy. The right path and correct decisions shine with a clarity and allure that draws you to them. I believe that these times happen for everyone within their lifetime. The truly outstanding people either a) have more of these moments then others or b) make better use of these moments than others.

There are other times where karma is against you. I don't know that it's because you did anything wrong so much as it's your turn. The great cosmic tumblers of life have turned and clicked into place and you get stuck between them. Nothing you do is going to work out and it becomes like quicksand where the harder you struggle to make the cosmic tumblers shift the harder they lock down. These are bad times to be in a casino.

One of the games that Q and I like to play in the casino is craps. The odds are the same every throw of the dice. If you know the odds or even have a round-about knowledge of the odds then it's possible to win...almost as much as you lose. Statistically.

A few years back Q and I were hitting the craps table at the Hollywood Casino. It was a weird night and this was the only table with any availability and people weren't leaving the others. That probably should have been warning enough. We had time to kill though as the Texas Hold'em tables were also full and we were on a long list. The table had about five other players when we arrived plus the three workers assigned to the table. Two of the players were non descript elderlies. They were on our left. Relatively quiet and ultimately forgettable. One of the players was a hip hop man complete with a shiny fake precious metal chain with a huge medallion on it. He was on our right. He wanted to come off as a high roller, but being at the smallest minimum limit table doesn't help your cred in that department. Me and Q liked him. He was gangsta like us. The last two players were on the far end of the table from us. They were a couple affectionately called Chipmunk and Honey Butt. I don't know what they called each other, but this is what I called them. They were extremely perky, over excited, over loud, and had cutesy names and phrases for everything!!! We hated them instantly.

People like this are a karma curse. In the deepest recesses of my heart I knew this, but it was too late the gears of fate had locked in place and we were wedged between them. We were going to see these people lose. We were going to win and laud our triumph over them. The couple oblivious to our karmic challenge continued yelling and screaming and cheering. "Come on shooter!! Come on shooter!! You're going to do it shooter!! Yaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!"

Our first few bets came and went with the normal ups and downs. Chipmunk and Honey Butt were obviously doing well and letting the entire casino know it. We pressed on. We were not going to let this continue!!! and clink another gear locked into place even tighter. "Way to go shooter!! You can do it shooter!! Four square!!! Quad Four!!! Yaayyyyyyy!!!! Good job shooter!!!". Thanks a-hole, but I was betting on the "no pass line". That just f'd me.

Every dice roll was a celebration. Every number had a pet name. Every moment was cheering and hugging and smooching. Everyone hated them. The other players. The other tables. The casino workers. Everyone. They were however in their own world and in that world everything was rainbows. It was the perfect storm. After an hour of miserably seeing the writing on the wall and still trying to come out on top. I finally was ready to give in and leave. Before we left though we got to see them hit their number for what seemed like the millionth time. And we waited for it. It was coming. The phrase we'd heard them yell every time they'd seen a ten for the last hour. Our eyes were squinting as we tried hard to some how find muscles to close our ears, but it wasn't possible. "HOME WRECKER!!!!!" they yelled with unbridled enthusiasm.

We left knowing that we had just asses handed to us by the Moby Dick of karma. Kudos to you Chipmunk and Honey Butt.

Home Wrecker!!!

One of the reasons that Q and I get along so well is that we both like to gamble. It's something that I think I got from my Grandmother who loved going to Vegas and to the horse track. She would play poker with me and my sister for pennies when we would come to visit as children. My other Grandmother would play Yahtzee with us, which is basically the same thing. Q didn't ever know my Grandmothers so I don't know where he gets his love for gambling, but I assume it comes from a need to make himself feel better about his violent addiction to porn. Or is it addiction to violent porn? Whatever.

Q and I go to the horse track together a few times a year and once a year or so will hit the casinos over in Shreveport. We've had some good times, some of which include actually winning money. Not most of them, but some of them. One of the first times we went was on a weekend when there was a BIG college football game in town. CyberD, Q, and I were leaving a casino late one evening andwere in a line of cars waiting to get out of the parking garage. College kids and alums were everywhere drinking and partying all along the river front. We were all talking when the passenger door of a car about three spots ahead of us opened and a girl almost fell out and started puking in an impressive fahion. A college girl that is so inebriated that she is vomiting is one of CyberD's favorite sights so he yelled out, "It's Miller time!!!". While the girl was still half hanging out the car, the guy that was driving gave us the thumbs up and a victorious smile.

There was also the time that Q and I had decided to go back to the casino after we had taken the rest of the group back to the house. We stayed gambling later than we had realized and finally noticed that it wasn't night any more. The sun was coming up and, as we had a big day planned, decided it was time to go back and get a little rest. It turns out that a dewy wet dawn, unfamiliar roads, and lack of sleep weren't optimal conditions for us to be driving CyberD's company car. We were doing fine until we noticed that we were going the wrong way and had to exit the highway. On the exit ramp we woke up rather quickly as the car slid at highway speed straight towards the econoline van stopped straight ahead of us. I turnde the wheel hard to the right. I mashed on the break. And still we slid towards the stop sign and the van without any noticeable deceleration. It's amazing how fast your brain can think when you're suddenly terrified. I was curious what my wife was going to do without me. I was wondering how CyberD was going to explain this to his boss. I was amazed that Q could scream at such a high pitch. Miraculously the car came to a sudden stop about half an inch from the van and we didn't have to mention the event to CyberD for another six years or so.

There's a lot more to say, but this post has just about reached my threshold. I didn't even get around to why I called it Home Wrecker. Oh well, I might just write about gambling experiences this entire week and explain why a little later.

The Ladies are Making Me Buggy

Quick soccer update for our millions of fans around the world. We won our game last Saturday and my 1st grade girls now have a winning record for the first time ever. We are 4-3 with three games left in the season. Something has clicked for them this last game or so. They are finally passing the ball, spreading the field better, and getting after the girls on the other team. It's great to watch the girls out there. They are now going into games with the expectation that they are going to win which is a far cry from where they were at this point last season. That's the main thing that I wanted for these girls. Besides becoming good soccer players I wanted them to learn to compete, feel like winners, and have fun.

That being said I am bracing myself for the collapse or at least big stumble. I don't want it to happen, but I'm trying not to let my expectations get away from me. Practice yesterday was a good example of what I'm worried about. Some of them were distracted the whole time looking for lady bugs. Others were talking noise and then getting upset when things weren't going their way. All of them had a large degree of whineyness to them. They were all bitching at each other at different points yesterday and I was trying not to lose my cool. At the end of practice I pulled them together and gave them a talking to about team work and how we need to support each other. I told them that we are friends on the team and do not complain or place blame. Then I took all of their collected ladybugs crushed them under my foot and told them that if we lost on Saturday it would be because of they were jacking around at practice.

Nicknames

I've never really had a nickname. I don't know why. Nothing ever stuck I guess. I have on the other hand doled out my share of nicknames to other people. My friends Q and DLDC can attest to that. Not to mention Big Dirty, Cake, Miracle Whip, Lil' Magnum, and my daughter T-Bibby although more recently it's been changed to just Bibby. I've also got several names for people that walk around my office. I don't use them publicly but they scroll through my head every time I see them. There's Forehead, Boob Job, Buttons, Greasy, Teeth, Sashay, Bug Eyes, and E.D. (Eating Disorder not to be confused with Erectile Dysfunction whom I just call Dysfunction).

As my buddy Dutch can attest to, you can't just give yourself a nickname. It won't stick. Which is why even though I answered my phone for a solid year as Big Texas, almost no one would call me that. When Q tried to steal the name I was willing to change to Tejas Grande in tribute to my Spanish heritage, but that didn't work out any better.

So I guess I'll always be called Dagromm. My dreams of one day having a cool handle, y'know like "the Fonze", are faded.

A Few Things That I Love

Promise Land Chocolate Milk

For chocolate milk lovers (and truthfully who isn't) this is the stuff to get. It's much better than any of the other flavored dairy products being sold out there. In fact we also buy the Promise Land Fat Free Milk when we're feeling healthy as it has a much better consistency than it's competitors. If your store sells this stuff and you're not buying it, then you're really just cheating yourself.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

Now I know there are some people that disapprove of Macaroni and Cheese out of a box. They say that homemade macaroni is much better. Those people are devil worshippers and I pray you don't let your soul be taken by them and their demon food. I come from the Christian religion where we believe that God gave us processed cheese powder because he loves us and to keep us righteous. If you really want to feel blessed then I suggest the Thick N' Creamy version, because it comes with considerably more of the Lord's cheese powder.

Magnum XL Condoms

These are the only condoms that I've found to be comfortable. I imagine this recommendation isn't a shock to most guys out there who have probably come to the same conclusion. Additionally, they also come in the discrete XL packaging so as not to draw attention to the fact that I must be packin' a lot down there.

Just a little positive to counterbalance yesterdays negativity. Thanks once again for listening.

A Few Things That Bug Me

Personalized License Plates - There is nothing in the world that screams out to me, "I'm an ass" more than a personalized plate. This is a trend however that appears on the rise. In the last 48 hours I've seen a black F-250 with a lift kit, illegally dark tinted windows, and a license plate that says ABYSS; a green Ford Mustang with a plate that says VROOOM; a black and silver Jaguar with plate that says JUSTICE surrounded by a silver hellfire shaped frame. This is not to mention the Firebird that asks WNARACE, the Corvette with the plate reading CHACHNG, and the Nissan with the plate letting you know that this is MY Z.


Drive Thru Non-Service - Another trend that is getting worse is the drive thru attendant that after he takes your money asks you to pull up by the door and wait for your food. WTF? Some times there are two or three cars pulled in front waiting for someone to bring them out their bags of food. This has gotten so bad that I've been asked to pull up even when there isn't anybody else in line at all. It doesn't make my wait any shorter. If anything it lengthens my wait time. Also when my order turns out to be wrong it means that I have to get out of my car and walk back inside rather than getting it fixed at the window. I'd try to make a stand about this, but I don't want anything to happen to my food.


People That Don't Understand the Four Way Stop Sign - I don't think that the rules of "right of way" have changed in the two thousand plus years that stop signs have been around, but people still seem to have a problem with this on a regular basis. There are still plenty of people that appear to have a problem flushing the toilet as well so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.


Just some scattershooting and a quick Tuesday rant. Thanks for listening.

Work, Work, Work

One of the sources of amusement for me in my occupation is the responsibility I have over conducting interviews and the hiring process. I review resumes, screen people over the phone as well as in person. I'm semi-regularly tickled by what people feel is good to put on their resumes. For example the lady that espoused her in depth knowledge of the products that they sold at the store that she managed. The store happened to be an adult novelty store. The line of questioning running through my head at that point led me to have better judgement than to call, because even if I could walk the straight and narrow I know that it would have blown up during departmental interviews.

I recently have had two separate resumes from ladies claiming to have worked as models. One of which made mention that she was going to be featured in a soon to be released video and movie. Well that would peak anybodies curiosity. So I checked the .com website she had listed as her employer and low and behold it's a website for transsexual models. It was very graphic and extraordinarily frightening. After filling out the information for a free 30 day subscription, I decided this was not an interview that I was going to pursue.

The second model that I recently received was one of a much more mundane level. She apparently works as a Coors Light spokes model, which as she explains means that she goes to promotional events and "spokes to customers". Other job responsibilities include "taking pictures with customers" and "analyzing accounts". Besides the grammatical errors and typos I couldn't find any reason not to interview this one. Sure she doesn't have the law degree that we usually like our legal counsel to possess, but she makes up for it in chutzpah. Anyway the interview will be later this week.

This is a projection of what I expect our legal department to soon look like.

For Those in the Know

Here's Some Stuff You Don't Know

For those who don't know (which is most everybody) my wife had surgery on Tuesday and returned from the hospital on Wednesday. She'll be at home until next Friday when she has a return visit to the doctor. Without going into detail, because the wife wouldn't want me to, the surgery was neither life threatening nor cosmetic. So you can sleep comfortably knowing that she wasn't in any danger and she will still be recognizable. Please don't be offended that you didn't know. She didn't want a lot of people knowing and in fact kept a lot of the details quiet from everyone including me. I'm sure she'd like a card or flowers, might like a call, but probably would prefer not to have any visits as she still has some tubes and things going on for the next week. Also, if you do speak with her please don't let her know that you were informed by blog. Please say that I informed you by e-mail. I would have let everyone know earlier, but she is sensitive about these things and I've been swamped trying to take care of the kids and with assisting her. She doesn't like that I have to help her right now, but it shouldn't be much longer as she's feeling better everyday.

On a side note, our girls had their first game last night after a long 2+ week lay off. We were short handed missing two of our main defenders and had a couple of girls playing sick. Still we won and pulled our record even again at 3-3. We were in control enough that I called the dogs off in the last quarter of play and told our best player to hold off. She was pretty much scoring at will last night. My daughter played well and made some good passes that led to scores. Her soccer IQ is definately growing as she also made some passes that were good passes, but didn't go as planned, because the other girls didn't understand that they were supposed to make runs to certain areas of the field. She's picked up a couple of other ticks with her game that we need to work out so that she can get back to scoring again. Our throw-ins are now a strength of our team and corner kicks are getting better.

What's Dagromm Reading?

Right now, I'm working on A Case of Need by Jeffrey Hudson. Jeff Hudson is the pen name that Michael Crichton used to write under before he knew that he could become rich writing about dinosaurs and talking apes. It was written in 1968 and is filled with all sorts of scientific terms and data. In fact it's got even more than your average Crichton book because he hadn't yet found that balance between what is interesting to the reader and what bogs the book down.

A Case of Need has to be one of the top ten abortion mystery novels that I've ever read. Multifaceted and fascinating in it's background of hospitals, medical procedures, the Boston legal and social environment at the time. My criticism would mainly revolve around the number of characters that are used in the book. I haven't kept count, but whenever a name comes up I'm damned if I can remember who they are, or why I should know the name. Normally, after a few paragraphs I can recall why the main character is talking to them but it's an overly frustrating process.

This isn't a "must read", but if you like to see how Crichton has evolved as a writer or just enjoy books about abortion then I would say to pick this one up. I got it for $1.50 on clearance at half price books!

Movie Review

Hello Bloggers!!!! Welcome back to the world's most trusted movie review site. Today I will be reviewing the highly anticipated Rocky Balboa. This is the latest in the fantasy world of Rocky where in any sub par white boxer from Philly is bad ass enough to conquer the world of sports. This movie continues the tradition of showing us exactly what a pit Philadelphia is and how beneficial steroids can be for the human body. It also continues the trend of less and les impressive looking fighters that Rocky has gone up against. The list in order follows:

Apollo Creed

Just feast your eyes on this spectacle. Bad ass.

Clubber Lang

Four words for you, "I pity da fool"

Ivan Drago

Sorry for the grainy quality of the picture, but it was Communist Russia

and this is all that was released to the free world.

Tommy Gunn

Is this a joke?

Mason Dixon

Look at this guy!! Who'd want to fight this guy? He's too nice!

It's amazing that as they tried to incorporate real world boxing more and more into the movies they became less and less impressive. The names of the boxers also got worse and yet the technique of the boxers stayed terrible. The movie is still a sentimental watch so I have to give this movie an A-.

Soccer over the past few days

The Dallas Cup and being sick has taken up quite a bit of my time over the past few days. The tournament ended last night with Chelsea facing Sao Paulo. After watching the first round games I think these are the two that I would have guessed would make it to the final. Chelsea had a very talented team with a strong defense that made very few mistakes during the entire tournament. Sau Paulo was what most expected from a top Brazilian squad, creative, exciting, and tan. In the end Sau Paulo could not be denied and won last night's final 1-0 in the closing minutes of the game.

I'd like to thank Q for coming out to the games with me and my daughter, and for buying me that kick ass Mexican national team soccer T-shirt. I'd also like to reprimand Q for arguing with my 7 year old daughter for twenty plus minutes about whether Chester Cheetah is real and whether that was indeed him walking on the field at half time. Finally, I'd like to apologize to Q for straddling the chair next to him and doing pelvic thrusts in the direction of his head when the Irish scored their lone goal against the Brazilians. I see that was wrong now, and probably not a good example for the children sitting around us.

Been There, Done That

I had to stop be the pharmacy to pick up some meds for the family yesterday evening. I needed some heavy flu medicine and the girls in the house had some prescriptions to pick up as well. Any time you go to the CVS after 9 PM you run into a different crowd than the little old peolpe that shop during the daylight hours. While waiting around for the technician to figure out the different insurance plans involved, I noticed two teenage homies checking out the condom section.

Buying condoms has never been a stress free purchase for me. It's always the same feeling that everyone around has just gotten a very intimate look into my private life. That being said, I also never felt the need to have someone come with me for support. The guys (about 17/18) were looking over all of the different brands and mulling their options. I tried not to look as though I was watching them as they made this valuable life decision. They were there several minutes and made several nervous looks to see if anybody they knew had suddenly arrived. I finally decided that these boys could use some of my years of accumulated wisdom. When I turned to impart them with my advice I found that they had disappeared.

Oh well, hopefully they made a good decision. I stood waiting a few more minutes before I finally got my issue resolved. The insurance compay wasn't going to pay for it. I was going to need to call and complain tomorrow. As I walked towards the front, I saw the expeditious young men from earlier in the check out line. They were standing still nervously bag in hand waiting for the cashier to release them from their misery and hand over the change. The cashier was clearly enjoying this too. I looked at the bag they were holding and saw that besides the condoms they had also purchased some Certs and a couple of bags of Chex Mix. "Looks like you guys have a big evening planned," I announced.

They just hurried out of the store as if the security cameras had laser beams attached to them.

A Brazillion Reasons I Didn't Blog Yesterday

I took the day off of work yesterday. Sorry Bloggers!

This time when I "took the day off", I mean that I actually let the office in general know that I wouldn't be working or physically present. Not like the previous weeks where I try frantically to impress how busy I am on others in the office so that they will leave me alone to disappear for interviews, soccer games, long lunches with my homies at prestigious restaurants, or blog posts.

No, yesterday I was quite clear in my intention to use some valuable PTO and take care of other things. Dr's appointments, exterminator visits, soccer games were on the docket. The soccer game I went to in the evening was surely the highlight. It was me, Q, and my daughter at the stadium in Frisco to watch the U-19 Sau Paulo Futebol Clube (Brazil) vs. Shamrock Rovers (Ireland). It was a good game even though it wasn't very competitive. The Brazilians never looked like they were taking the game too seriously and even taking it easy were able to score a 6-1 victory. It became apparent that after they put up four goals they were being merciful as they could've doubled their score quite easily. Q and I joked about how the coach had told them to allow the Irish four passes every time they got the ball before they took it away from them, and how they were probably saying all sorts of encouraging things to the teeny tiny Irish players. Seriously there were a couple that looked like leprechauns. We surmised that the captain of the Irish team was the one who could drink the most beer as the players looked somewhat lit on the field.

I also got to speak to a fellow blogger via Q's cell phone that I had never spoken to before. It was pointed out that I sound differently then they had imagined. I don't know why. Maybe my punctuation and grammatical oddities aren't as noticeable on the phone. What did they imagine I was going to sound like? Do other people imagine what I sound like? What do they imagine me saying? Is it kinky?

It occured to me afterwards that I had heard their voice before on blog radio, so I wasn't caught off guard by their voice. Of course it might also have to do with the fact that a large part of my job involves calling people and talking to them.

Anyway.....Dallas Cup Semifinals on Friday:

Chelsea F.C. (England) vs Southampton F.C. (England)

Real Madrid C.F. (Spain) vs Sau Paulo F.C. (Brazil)

I can't wait.

Thanks to Gyuss for letting me know how much my blog value is. Unfortunately for me it is the most valuable thing I own.

My blog is worth $5,080.86.
How much is your blog worth?

A Strong Day for the Euro

My daughter and I went out yesterday with Q to watch the Opening day of Dallas Cup action. We got there shortly before noon and left a little after 9:00 that evening. For those that don't know, the Dallas Cup is a youth invitational soccer tournament that brings in some top teams from around the world. I like to watch the U-19 teams from the Super Group division as many of these players are a hair away from being on the professional squads of their individual clubs. In addition, I think that the tickets are very reasonable and in fact many of the games are free to watch. Yesterday, we started off the day watching Southampton (England) handle Deportivo Saprissa (Costa Rica) 3-1. The Southampton squad had a couple impressive players in the midfield and backline that I am interested in watching as they continue in the tournament. The next game we watched was Sao Paulo (Brazil) against Tigres (Mexico). The Tigres got a good start in this one and took an early 1-0 lead in the first half. I remember commenting to Q that Sao Paulo didn't look overly concerned or really even that interested in the entire first half and first part of the second half. They had some shots, but did not overwhelm by any means. Around midway through the second half Sao Paulo turned it on. They tied up the game and then
scored the go ahead goal with a few minutes remaning. This game had the largest crowd for any game I've seen there that wasn't in the Professional Stadium.
After that we moved into the Stadium and watched the end of Real Madrid (Spain) against Solar F.C. (local team). Real clearly outclassed their opponent and won the game 4-0, with a lot of their starters taking it easy by the end of the game.
Lastly, after suffering through the opening ceremonies we watched Chelsea (England) play Chivas (Mexico). Q was accosted before the game by a group of Chelsea supporters who took issue with his t-shirt marking him as a supporter of the Mexican teams. The Chelsea fan group though was woefully outmatched by their Chivas counterparts, both in number and sheer manic fanaticism. The Chivas supporters beat drums, sang songs, danced, threw confetti, unfurled MAMMOTH flags and banners, and set off smoke flares the entire game. It was impressive. Unforunately for them, Chelsea won the game 2-1. It was a tightly contested match and truthfully probably should have been a tie as Chelsea had a hand ball in their own box in the closing minutes that the referree didn't acknowledge.
It's funny that in a country that doesn't really support soccer that these teams still have groupies show up. All in all, it was a good day. The weather was great and I got lots of sun. In fact I think my skin is all dead now. Thanks CFC's.

Running Late

Dang it, I left late for work today. I was going through my normal routine, which doesn't always involve me being late when I got enraptured watching CNN Headline News. Robin Meade was looking especially saucy this morning. She was talking to the sports tool and he was almost enough to make me tune out, when they brought in a hot college girl to talk about a college class that she was taking that involved going to the Final Four.

I was hooked again. I didn't catch a lot of what they were saying, but the professor was a genius to create a class so that he could go to one of the biggest sporting events in the country and take coeds with him. As the story came to a close I was about to hit the power button, when Robin began a story about the new "Girls Gone Wild" Restaurants that are going to be opened. What??? Double take. Additional video footage meant that I was once again transfixed to the television. I was always told in school that current events were important.

The story wrapped up and Robin introduced their Entertainment correspondent Adrianna Costa. Damn it, I was never getting out of there. Adrianna is one of my top three Entertainment Reporters of all time. She had some important news about movies opening this weekend or something, I don't know I heard her but not a lot of it registered at this point.
Mercifully, Robin threw it to a commercial break and I ran for the door. Several fishtailing-on-wet-streets minutes later I snuck in the back door (sighs, thinking about the obligatory "back door" jokes) and silently like the wind made my way to my office.

Family Projects/Put Your Child To Work Day

Last weekend was actually pretty productive. I told the kids that we were going to do some projects as a family. Kids love projects. They're fun and cool and special, not anything like work which is boring and sucks. No, these were "family projects" which meant we were going to embark on some things together. Kids also love family time. I don't know why. I guess it looks really good in movies or something. Walls got patched and painted, weed and feed was put in the yard, my daughters dresser was sanded and repainted. It was great. I was finally getting some return on my investment in the kids.

I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out. From now on I'm seeing a whole new world. One where they clean the bathroom tile, fold and put up clothes, and do the dishes. My mind is practically filling up with all the great "family projects" we can do. The kids can wash the dog, clean the gutters, put up a new fence in the back yard, rotate my tires......

Office Ettiquete

I brought a salad and some chicken for lunch today. It's part of my plan to have million dollar abs by the summer. Actually, right now it's my entire plan. I'm eating hamburgers tonight.

So at 12:30, after having felt like I was starving for the previous hour, I finally went to the break room to recover my food from the community fridge. I threw my chicken in the microwave to reheat and stood nearby to wait. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't brought any dressing for my salad and was about to have a very bland meal. I went back to the community fridge expecting that there would be a host of dressings to choose from.

No such luck. The fridge had it's semi annual cleaning recently and there was only one bottle of dressing. It was some sort of natural poppy seed stuff that I had never seen before. I put a little on my salad, grabbed my chicken, and left. As I sat down to eat it occurred to me that whoever's dressing that was might not have appreciated my use of it. They hadn't put their name on it, so I couldn't ask. My mind was racing-Would they notice?-Will they be mad?-Did somebody see me, and will they turn me in?-Oh crap! Wait a second I told myself. You can't steal condiments. Condiments are free.

A Dark Omen on the Highway

I was headed home from work last week when it happened. The skies had been cloudy all day, but it wasn't until I left the shelter of the office that the rain began to fall. Almost immediately there were flashes of lightening, and they were nearby. I started my drive home a little wet, and bemused that the weather had decided to wait until now to unleash hell. Hazy gray clouds, a torrent of rain, and bolts of lightening arching across the sky, all on a day when I was looking forward to coaching soccer practice. "Oh well", I thought "Those plans are shot".

At least the traffic wasn't bad. Considering the weather, I was making good time. Usually rain like that would have slowed things down. Then as I entered I-35 northbound, I saw it. A black semi with no trailer attached was bearing down on me. It was dusty and worn looking. The grill was battered and plain. As I accelerated to match the highway speed the truck surged past me. The windows were dark and I couldn't see the driver. It looked like one of those scenes that you see in a late night TV movie where the death trucker runs people off the road in his pursuit to kill some hapless target. As the truck moved forward I saw writing on the back of the cab. In 8 inch hellfire red letters was written that this truck was "40 Tons of Thunder". The maximum weight for 18 wheelers in the US is normally 36.2 tons. That means this trucker would always carry at least 3.8 tons of evil. I tried to take a picture with my cell phone and then I exited the highway as quickly as I could. I didn't want to incur this demon truckers wrath. Almost as soon as I got off the highway the rain stopped and the clouds cleared away. By the time I got home it was beautiful outside. I have since checked my cell phone for the picture of the truck with the writing, but it was all a blur. Apparently the supernatural powers of hell would not allow me to capture an image of their dark messenger.

Underrated Movies/Guilty Pleasures

Here's a quick list of top five movies that I enjoy and get a chuckle from, that don't normally get the recognition that I think they deserve.

5. Dickie Roberts Former Child Star - Before there was Little Miss Sunshine this movie had the shock value comedy of the child dancing in a much to mature fashion. Truthfully any movie that you enjoy involving David Spade has to be labeled a guilty pleasure.

4. She's the Man - I think Amanda Bynes is funny. There I said it. True this movie isn't Shakespeare or anything, but I thought it...what's that??.......Oh, this movie is Shakespeare! That's what I meant to say. Can't go wrong with Shakespeare.

3. Joe Dirt - Before there was My Name is Earl this movie had the shock value comedy that is white trash Americana. Truthfully any movie that you enjoy involving David Spade has to be labeled a guilty pleasure.

2. Josie and the Pussycats - Rachel Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, Rosario Dawson, Parker Posey, and Missi Pyle. Sold!!!! The DVD even comes with the music video from Du Jour, the boy band of the movie, entitled Back Door Lover. I thought this movie had some great lines and of course let us know that "brown is the new pink" and that Mr. Moviefone also delivers subliminal messages.

1. The Big Hit - One of the first movies I bought for my movie collection. We learn that even murderous hitmen just want to make people happy, and that the discerning masturbater will demand lanolin not that aloe-vera bullshit!

Narrowly missing the list was Bring it On. I enjoy this movie quite a bit, but it has gained too much popularity since hitting video to still be considered a guilty pleasure. I can attest to being one of the proud few who saw fit to see this movie while it was new in theaters. I've seen it about two dozen times since then.

Them's the Breaks

Well, it's official. I took my 11-year old son to the Orthopedic Specialist yesterday to have his arm examined from his injury more than a week ago and he confirmed that my son broke his wrist. He's now sporting a half cast covering most his forearm, wrist, and hand.

When they asked him how he had hurt it I felt the need to interject and said that he had fallen while playing outside with his friends and landed on the sidewalk. This was a true enough version of events. The more complete version of events included him having a dance off competition outside of his buddy's house after school. I'm not sure what maneuver concludes with you breaking your wrist, but truthfully I was never much of a hip hop street dancer. So in my haste to save my son from having to hear, "Oooooh, You got served" I might have answered too quickly. The doctor's assistant kept giving me suspicious looks afterwards. I'll probably get a visit from Child Protective Services some time this week as a result. Why couldn't my son have been playing football like a normal kid?

Note: This is not an actual photo of the event that transpired.

Lady Girls' Soccer Update

We enter Spring Break after having pulled our season even at 2-2. In our game this past weekend we came from behind to win 5-4. It was good to see the girls not give up and to maintain their focus. In the past when the other team has scored first they've been quick to get frustrated and give up. This was one that could have gone bad quickly too. Although we maintained control the majority of the first half we couldn't hardly get anything to go in. While the other team who barely had any opportunities was finding the back of the net. Finally we started our come back from being down 4-1. My daughter asked to go back in the last quarter and play defense. Against my better judgement I put her back there and she really stood up to the challenge. She didn't allow anyone to get past her and threw herself in the way of the ball (when most would have gotten out of the way) to prevent any shots from going in.

As a follow up I went out to the local park and joined in the pick up soccer game with the vatos. This was my first time to make it out there in a few weeks and there was a large group of guys I didn't recognize. It was a lot rougher than it normally is and was the first time I thought a fight might just break out. I've got a number of bruises on my shins and I took a kick to the jaw, which was not entirely the other guys fault. I got to wear my new Chelsea soccer jersey, which I looked most awesome in. Also my new soccer ball, which I bought with birthday money, was a big hit. Here's a pic.