Friday, March 16, 2007

The Kids Next Door

The teen age kid next door is having a party tonight. The entire street up and down my block is littered with cars that have extra big tail pipes and shit hanging from the rear view mirrors. Personally I was surprised, because the kid next door looks like a geek to me. My only guess is that he and his best friend created some sort of woman with supernatural powers by using their computer and a barbie doll. Then maybe she forced them to have a party to try and make them cool. I don't know, but that's what makes sense to me.

I used to have HBO, so I know what goes on at these kinds of parties when the parents are away (they've got to be , right?). My buddy Big Dirty felt like it was our civic duty to check in on them and make sure they weren't getting into any trouble. So we went in their backyard where we could hear a lot of activity. They got kind of quiet when we entered the gate and below is what transpired.

Party Kid - Are you here to pick somebody up? We can go get them for you.

Me - No we're not anybodies parents. We just came by...

Big Dirty - party!!!!

(Stunned silence)

Me - Umm, actually I live next door.

Party Kid - Oh, do you need us to turn the music down?

Big Dirty - No, it's cool. I've got some Creed CD's if you really want to get this party going. Hey, is that your girlfriend? (directed too loudly to the girl sitting just inside the gate)

Party Kid - (Caught off guard) Who? No, she's just....we're just friends.

Big Dirty - I know what you mean. No attachments. Keep it simple. This is my kind of party.

Party Kid - (Looks at the girl wide eyed, then back at us, then back to the girl)

Big Dirty - So, we were kind of watching the party from between the boards of my friend here's fence and it looks like there's some pretty fine girls here. Are any of them like really drunk or stoned or anything?

Party Kid - (Looking really nervous) I don't think so.

Me - (Quickly trying to recover) Because we don't want anybody taking the road that isn't fit to drive. If somebody needs a ride home then just let us know.

Big Dirty - (to me as if the teenagers can't hear him) I like where you're going with that.

Party Kid - Ok, we'll let you know if we need help.

Big Dirty - Maybe we should check everyone out just in case. That chick in the boots looks like she might be pretty messed up. I'll definitely take her home. Are there any you want Dagromm?

Dagromm - Well...what?

Party Kid - Everybody's ok, really. We'll come get you if we need your help though. Thanks for coming by.

Big Dirty - Oh...well alright. We'll be just watching on the other side of the fence.

Big Dirty and I have been hanging back at my house for over an hour since then. He's just concluded that they probably aren't going to come get us to give anyone a ride home. He's on the phone with the cops now complaining about the noise and how sure he is that they have drugs. He says he dropped a present just inside their fence just in case.


Gyuss Baaltar said...

Some day I hope to grow up to be Big Dirty

Dagromm said...

Good luck with that. Unfortunately just having him visit lowers your property values and puts you at odds with the neighborhood watch group.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

So when BD is around, does he have to do that thing where he goes to the neighbors and explains his past felonies like that judge ordered?

Or is that just in places where he is officially a resident?

Q said...

I have it on good authority that Big Dirty never calls the cops, ever.

fringes said...

I'm glad Big Dirty was at that party controlling things and not here with me hitting on underage girls at the
Holiday Inn Express.

Dagromm said...

Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn...

cyberman said...

Big D strikes again!

polio said...

I hope Big Dirty isn't in the same extended family as Old Dirty.

you know, the Bastard family.