Thursday, May 31, 2007

Once Again, The Quad

My cell phone was ringing again. It had been doing this almost nonstop for the last week. Ringing for hours at a time. As soon as the voicemail would pick up the caller would disconnect and call back. He stopped leaving messages four days ago.

It had become tiresome; for me, The Rock, and the hundred or so people packed into the Red River Bingo Hall. After receiving multiple threatening stares I put the phone on vibrate. “Damn it”, I thought, “That’s going to run the battery down faster”. No getting around it though.

The phone kept going off. It shook its way across the table and bumped against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s dobber making for a skewed spot on his card. B 9 was now a red mess contrasting sharply with the rest of the meticulously kept bingo card. The Rock gave an audible sigh and raised the People’s Eyebrow at me. I apologized and stuffed the Mint Chocolate LG phone into my pocket, pausing only to admire how the color of the phone matched the shirt that I was wearing. I do that on purpose. The chicks love it. I told The Rock this and he just nodded his approval. I also advised him to wear Joop cologne, because I knew for a fact that it led to getting some serious action. I offered to spray him with some of mine, but he declined. I told him it would “make his game tighter than the legs of a Catholic nun”. The Rock didn’t get it. The Rock had been with Catholic nuns.

My plan was working though. Between the rows of fold out tables came a trailer park dream. This hot young thing was nursing her iced tea with a look of lust in her eyes that would have melted an ice cream truck. She wanted me. I pulled my phone back out so that she could see that it matched my shirt and laid it on the table. I texted the word “dibs” to The Rock’s cell phone.

She was coming on to me strong, through The Rock. He seemed unaware however that her flirtations with him were just a vehicle to get closer to me. I tried to let him know that he was barking up the wrong tree, but he didn’t get it. Soon they left together to take a better look his custom Hummer. I offered to come along but they wanted me to stay and watch the bingo cards, besides my phone was going off again. I waited for them to come back and spent the time expressing my displeasure by dobbing numbers that weren’t called on The Rock’s bingo card. He was going to look like such an ass when he yelled bingo and then didn’t have it. Yeah, that’d show him.

Ninety minutes later, The Rock came back in to get me so he could drop me off at home. He could tell I was pissed. I had “that look”. I stared out the window and didn’t say a word. It was killing him. Finally, I knew he had suffered enough and told him that he was way out of line. I had called dibs and he had totally disrespected it. “That’s not the way we do things around here,” I said.

He raised the People’s Eyebrow and said, “We’re going to do things my way now. You’ve been doing things your way and that’s what got you here!”

I practically shouted, “Those aren’t even your words! That’s from the Grid Iron Gang!”

The Rock was stunned. He once again raised the People’s Eyebrow. “You want to come against the People’s Champ? Then bring it and know that you’re in for…”

“A whole lotta hurtin!” I finished. “That was your speech before WWE Summer Slam 2001.”

He was stunned again. He rolled his head around very slowly making the muscles in his neck pop. I got out of the truck. I was afraid that I was going to hurt this fool if he kept this up, and I didn’t want to wake the neighbors, and it was a week night and I had work the next day. Plus I was wearing my good shoes and I didn’t want to mess them up. Yeah, he was lucky that all those things happened to be the case.

Before I shut the door of the Hummer I said, “I don’t know if this is working The Rock”.

“Fine! Why don’t you just let Cyber D back in the group then?” At that moment my cell phone went off again and he could hear it rattling the soda money in my pocket. His eyes got big and he slammed on the gas burning rubber down my street. I turned and walked to my front door and let myself in. As soon as I walked in my cell phone stopped ringing and my home phone started. He was watching me.

I turned the ringer off on all my home phones. It was late and I wanted the kids to be able to get some sleep tonight. I took a shower, sprayed some more cologne on just in case, and went to bed. I laid there wanting to sleep, but the phone flashing on my night stand alerting me of a call made it impossible. I waited and tried till the early hours of the morning. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hello”, I said.

“Hey!!! You answered. Does that mean I’m back in?” the voice on the other end quickly asked.

“Yeah., ok,” I mumbled.

“Sweet!” he replied. “I’ve drawn a picture to show you how I feel about the Quad getting back together. I’ll e-mail it to you!”

I hung up the phone and found this picture waiting for me this morning.

Can You Smell What The Quad is Cooking?

After an exhaustive six day search, we believe that our quest maybe over for the newest member of the Quad. It's been a long arduous six day journey that has brought us closer together and made us all take a long introspective look at what it truly means to be a member of the Quad. What in essence are we made of? What makes us unique and a viable team? What the hell did Cyberman ever contribute?
There were focus groups, research meetings, market surveys, etc. to help us decide what qualities within ourselves made the Quad, the Quad. In the end we developed a comprehensive top secret list of attributes that comprise us. We then reviewed applications and did extensive interviews to find that special someone who would be a perfect match. There were many compelling candidates. Celebrities, scholars, religious figures, and friends all sought that most coveted position within our inner circle, but in the end the person we selected was the only one with the requisite level of bad-assness to get any serious consideration. The Quad is now extending a trial membership to......
The Rock

We are looking forward to great things from you Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Welcome.