Monday, May 21, 2007

Second Puberty
I've made the statement that one of the phases of puberty for a boy is when he decides to look into cologne or aftershave as part of his manly investment in himself. (disclaimer: This is not a story about my son) This is at the time is part of looking for a competitive advantage against other guys at getting the attention of girls. What could be better then having a girl compliment how good you smell? Actually, lots of things, but at the time it sounds really sexy. And truthfully most guys would kill to get any kind of compliment from a girl.

So, I realized this weekend that I must have entered a second puberty, because I found myself contemplating a scent again. I realized that the twelve year old bottle of Stetson that I got from the drug store for $9 was most likely not the best thing for me to put on myself anymore. It was time to move up, but what musky aroma should I select to announce my presence?

Unfortunately, I think the odors I carry with me most often are that of charcoal and soccer fields. I don't think my wife finds these odors to pleasent. Comments like, "you stink" and "take a couple of showers before you come to bed" can give one that impression. I don't know however what does smell good to women.

The smells I like are fresh bread, warm cookies, cappucinnos, and bacon. They don't sell these odors at the fragrance counter though. I asked. The closes I could find were some scratch and sniff stickers at the local party supply store. After a day of attaching these stickers all over my body and scratching myself furiously before I entered a room, I decided it wasn't worth it. Instead of having the desired reaction people moved away and apparently thought I had some sort of skin disease. It didn't help that it's allergy season and I kept blowing my nose and wiping my runny eyes. On more than one occasion while I was trying to release the scents from the stickers people asked me if I needed them to call an ambulance. Mall security followed me around like he was just waiting for confirmation to quarantine me from the general populace.

So I wen't back to the fragrance counter and began frustrating the clerk, because I had no idea what I wanted. I decided to start at the beginning of the alphabet with Armani, then Attitude, then on and on. By the time I got to Euphoria by Calvin Klein, I felt like I'd been huffing paint for an hour. Good and bad. Everything started to smell the same and since none of it smells natural per se, I didn't know what to go with.

I remembered my friend Big Dirty swearing by Tag Body Spray. He said it was so good that they had to put disclaimers on the commercials in case you were attacked by cheerleaders or women in the grocery store. I pointed out that I thought that was just kind of a joke in the commercials. Big Dirty said that, "Like God you just kind of have to go with it. Just in case". I asked the person at the counter if they carried it and she just laughed at me, said no but that I could get some at the drug store. Shit! I knew that wasn't a good sign. Not wanting to get laughed at anymore, I hurriedly picked the closest bottle on display and left. It had some Oriental script on the bottle, and doesn't smell like breakfast or dessert. Did I do good?

31 comments:

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Old Spice Deoderant.

Done and done.

Dagromm said...

I've used Old Spice Deoderant, but I don't know that it smells any better than my armpits with out anything.

fringes said...

And Old Spice body spray. It really gets no better than that. I still remember the name and face and body of the first boy in college I met who wore Old Spice. He used the soap. I was standing next to him on The Yard. I thought I was going to explode from sensory overload.

Old Spice.

cyber D said...

I haven't worn cologne since my freshman year in college. Of course that's also the last time I tried to get a girl to notice me so maybe there IS a connection.

Dagromm said...

Fringes - Now that's a good reccomendation. At least I think it is. It is right?

CyberD - We thought you were just trying to entice Gyuss to the next level of the bunk bed.

Tera said...

What a coinky-dink!!! I was shopping for perfume yesterday!!! I felt it was time to smell my sweetness in another hue ;) And hey don't feel bad, I am quite a handful for the perfume lady as well, because I smell tons of them before actually deciding!!!

I'm not a fan of Old Spice...nor Brut (which took over the Nation by storm)...nor Drakkar...nor ANY of those other Drug Store fragrances!!! Okay, Addidas is okay, kind of...

I am however usually very perceptive when it comes to men's cologne...I LOVE any of the Liz fragrances for men, especially Mambo and Bora Bora...I also like Perry Ellis 360 (which you can even get at Wal-Mart!). Now when it comes to a man wearing Joop or Isseymiyake...I am usually on the verge of having to change my panties!!!! Oh, sorry for being so graphic...I will shut up now! :)

plug said...

I ~LOVE~ Gin & Tonic by Demeter. Old Spice anything - yuk and yuk.
(sorry G, our affair has no legs if you think you can get away with that).

fringes said...

Hmmm...what man wouldn't take "panty-changing" over "sensory overload"?

Buy whatever Tera recommends.

Dagromm said...

Tera - I didn't make it all the way to Joop. My eyes were bloodshot and I was feeling dizzy long before then. Plus it sounded gay and I couldn't see myself telling anyone that I wear Joop. Now I wish that I had given it a shot.

Plug - I'm getting that there is no middle ground with Old Spice. Women either really like it or really don't like it.

That reminds me, I forgot to mention that last night I went to move the cat from where she was curled up on me in bed and she must not have recognized or appreciated my new scent because she clawed the F@#% out of my hand.

Dagromm said...

Fringes - Yeah, I kind of agree.

Churlita said...

I thought Old Spice was for old men.

I don't really like the smell of cologne - it always just smells like alcohol and frat boys to me.

cyber D said...

Dags, that didn't take cologne to do that. All Gyuss needed was a three-day old twinkie.

Tera said...

LMAO @ Fringe!!! Girl there is nothing like a good smelling man---it totally takes me "there!"

Hey Dagromm, is your cat related to Mist1's cat?

Tera said...

Uh, and you had better get some Visine and go back and pick up where you left off if you expect any moist panties to be "poppin' off!!!" ;)

heather said...

"you stink" and "take a couple of showers before you come to bed"

lmfao!! i said this to j last night! same exact words! gonna go finish reading the post now, i'll be back.

heather said...

ok, for the record i'm a classics kinda gal when it comes to cologne. old spice, i ~love~ the original. not any of the newer ones. buy the soap, deoderant and after shave. the first two for work and everyday, the last for dinner and 'opps, i'm gonna hear it when i get home'
dakkar, polo, and grey flannel are also favorites of mine.
better yet, and i'm sorry to state the obvious, but why the hell don't you just ask mrs dags?? i'm sure she would be more than happy to help. she may even have one or two in mind and just hasn't said anything.

EsLocura said...
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EsLocura said...

why wasn't the mrs. asked what she would like you to smell like? I am found of FCUK (no not a typo), the smell of it makes me put the letters of it's name back in the right order.

Dagromm said...

Churlita - That's what makes it classic, or disgusting. Cologne all smells alcoholly to me too, but some women are really into alcohol.

CyberD - That explains why you were always borrowing my Sams membership to buy Twinkies.

Tera - It's possible. It's funny because I read her post right after I realized that I had forgotten to include that bit.

Is the stuff I got any good? The picture's at the top. Has anybody ever smelled it before?

Heather - I'll be waiting.

Dagromm said...

Heather - You as an attached woman should know that if I ask my wife directly then there is no way I'll get an answer. She wants me to inherently come up with the right answer, just like she wants me to instantly know the perfect anniversary gift, or when her birthday is, or what that conversation was we were having last night. It just doesn't work that way.

Comment Deleted - I'm glad you thought better of that. I didn't read it and I don't know who did it, but now I won't be able to sleep tonight wondering.

Eslocura - I would be uncomfortable just asking for that...well, I mean....ummm...yeah.

Tera said...

I'm not sure I've ever heard of the cologne Dagromm, I mean when I read the title to the post and then saw the bottle, I thought it was some kind of elixir!!!

LIT said...

I think that label says "Regular--Like Clockwork" and migrated from another department in the store with another customer. It's probably for internal consumption.

Dagromm said...

Tera - I've never seen this stuff either and it didn't have anybody's name on it. That was the allure. The unknown. It should help let everyone know how mysterious I am.

Lit - It could be. I'm too mysterious though to be regular like clockwork.

heather said...

ok dags, the marketing ~should~ be pretty basic but i will explain it to you one more time. the cologne is in a bold, blood red (symbolizing virility)and jet black packaging (symbolizing villiany). with a stylized oriental dragon symbolizing vitality) and an aisian language character shaded in gray (symbolizing mystery). with what is assumed the english language translation just above it in a slightly metalic (symbolizing strength) gold is the word lucky. so, the question becomes, did you? get lucky. cause in a very boviously subtle way it's promising you will. get lucky.

Dagromm said...

Heather - Not yet. Is it too late?

heather said...
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heather said...

did you clean something that you normaly wouldn't clean without being asked too (like dishes or laundry)and take a shower? you just might still have a chance.

Dagromm said...

Heather - Not this week. Maybe next week.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I'm just chiming in to second Tera's recommendations and offer others, like Aqua di Gio and Kenneth Cole Reaction and Estee Lauder Pleasures.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I've located the mysterious bottle on my favorite fragrance site, Lucky #6. All positive reviews, so you might have done alright;>

Dagromm said...

Woo - Thanks for the research and the suggestions!!! Wow, and reading all of the comments.

I think another trip to the fragrance counter is going to be called for. I'm going to look like such a stud when I go up and ask for something by name, try it on then turn to the fragrance clerk and ask if their panties are now wet. I hope it's a woman.